Lala (our dog) and her day with my camera

I caught Lala with my camera the other day. She tried to nudge it under a blanket before I could snatch it away. But I won. I saved her pictures, though, and typed up the captions she dictated to me. I hope you enjoy them. Happy spring!

Daisy

“We have to call Animal Control,” I announced to my family at the dinner table one evening during the summer. “That poor dog barks day and night. I wonder if they give it any attention at all.”

The men from the rental duplex across the alley had confined their dog inside a makeshift shelter in their driveway. The animal had barked through most of June and into July. A plastic tarp draped the top of the structure, but on rainy nights, the incessant howling ripped me to pieces and left my nerves raw.

Flicka swallowed a bite of bread. “I just saw the dog out the other day for a minute before they put it back in. It’s gotten pretty skinny.” She glanced at me across the table and then did a double-take. “Mom, are you crying?”

I bit my lip and reached for a bowl. “We have more salad here.”

Husband eyed me. “Don’t call Animal Control yet.” He finished his last bite of meatloaf, tossed his napkin on the table, and stood. “I’m going to talk with them first.”

He left the house, but returned from his visit only five minutes later. “They’re trying to get rid of the dog, they said.”

“What does that mean?” I straightened from loading the dishwasher. “Starve it to death? Let the summer heat kill it?”

He shrugged. “That’s all they said. Let’s just wait and see what happens now.”

The dog didn’t bark anymore after that. And Husband’s visit with the neighbors signaled the end of the flashes of black fur I had seen between the slats of wood in the crude shelter. Although the people across the alley still had their pit bull Daisy—who had come to play with our Lala numerous times—I hadn’t seen much of her in the past couple of years. Maybe their days of dog ownership were over.

Then one day the next spring, I heard some shouting that drove me to the kitchen window. Our gate stood open, and two boys from across the alley tore around in our back yard, whooping at Daisy who was relieving herself near my flower beds.

I stuck my head out the back door. “Why is she in the yard?”

Barking, Lala shoved into the backs of my legs, desperate to join the mayhem outside. I blocked her exit; I didn’t have time to chaperone a doggy playdate today.

“She came in on her own,” one of the boys said. “And we can’t get her out again.”

I stepped outside. The boys pulled sticks from our fire pit and ran at Daisy, jabbing at the air and hollering. She dodged their every move, her tail whipping back and forth.

I clapped and put on my perkiest voice. “Daisy, come! Come here, girl!” She bounded toward me, her lips and ears flapping and her tail beating the air. In that moment, I caught the sparkle of life in her eyes: exuberance, innocence, mischief, longing. Just like the kids who owned her. I gave her a scratch behind the ears and patted her flanks. Then I herded her through the gate and into the alley. “Boys, go put her away now.”

They sprinted after their dog, and I headed inside. Minutes later, though, Daisy was back in our yard, exploring every inch. This time, she emptied her bowels, and I sighed. The boys reappeared, and even though their methods had failed the first time, they again waved their branches in the air and screamed.

I joined them outside. “Is your dad home?”

“Yeah.”

“Could you tell him to come over and get Daisy?”

One of the boys jogged back to his place. The other stayed in the yard and used his stick to joust with an imaginary opponent. Daisy pawed at the tender grass, kicking up dirt still damp from the latest rain. Soon, T.J., the boys’ dad, sauntered into our yard. He yelled at his dog; Daisy zoomed in the opposite direction. Then he picked up a stick and charged at her; she evaded him. When he zigged, she zagged. Finally, he and the two boys chased her out.

The next day, Husband and I picked up the girls from school. As we neared our house, we spied a dog, loose and nosing around on a lawn at the end of our block.

“Isn’t that Daisy?” Husband said.

“Yeah. Pull over.” I unclasped my seatbelt.

He stopped the car, and Dicka and I hopped out. With some coaxing and clapping, we lured the dog back to our place. The kids from across the alley shot hoops in our driveway, but when Daisy zipped through their game, they didn’t seem surprised to see her. Then T.J. emerged from his duplex. Was he going to retrieve his dog? Had he noticed she was missing? Instead of coming over, though, he stood on his back step and watched us.

I approached him while Daisy poked around nearby and sniffed at the garbage cans. “We found her a block away in someone’s yard.” I splayed a hand on my chest. “I’m glad she wasn’t hit by a car.”

“Shhh,” T.J. said, a cigarette dangling off his lip. He caught my hand and stroked it. “It’s okay. It’s okay.”

I withdrew it and with a half-smile, I shook my head and walked away.

 

That evening, I stared out the kitchen window. Our driveway was empty; only an abandoned basketball remained from the day’s games. And our yard was still; no more Daisy or boys with sticks.

“Maybe the next time we see Daisy wandering, we let her be,” Husband said over my shoulder, his voice low.

“Yeah, maybe.” I sighed.

“You can’t fix everything.”

“I know.”

He was right. But like Daisy’s tail, hope wagged anyway.

 

 

 

*Miss an installment of the blog? Or want to catch the story from the beginning? Visit http://www.tamarajorell.com/blog-entries-by-date

*Names in this blog have been changed to protect my family, neighbors, and friends in the neighborhood, and in a nod of appreciation to the beloved Swedish author Maj Lindman, I’ve renamed my three blondies Flicka, Ricka, and Dicka.

The small things

“I’m taking the dog for a walk.” I clipped the leash on Lala. “Anyone want to join me?”

“I will.” Flicka stepped into her shoes by the door, and we set off together.

The first walk of spring always revealed what winter had tried to hide under its pristine covering. But now, after the melt, we witnessed the naked truth of inner-city living: old chip bags and candy wrappers speckled the sidewalks and four months of doggy-doo peppered the boulevard in front of that one house. Not dampened by our surroundings, though, we breathed in air that hinted at gardens and sandals, barbecues and bike rides. And as Lala trotted along between Flicka and me, her nose twitched; her world of smells was new again.

A couple of blocks from home, I spotted two young men standing up ahead on the corner. Soon, we would reach them, but since Lala was uneasy near strangers when on her leash, I planned to cut across the street before getting too close. One of the men motioned to me, though, and called out something I couldn’t decipher. I had been approached before on that corner; I hadn’t had spare change on me that day either.

“I didn’t catch that,” I said to him when we were closer. Lala’s fur stood in a ridge along her spine.

“Do you live on this block?” His gaze darted to something behind me, and urgency was etched in his expression. His friend shifted his feet, wearing the same anxious look.

“No.” I furrowed my brow. “Why?”

“There was a baby in the street back there.” He pointed behind us. “Maybe you could get him?”

I squinted in the direction he indicated and glimpsed the jerky steps of a toddler in a green coat across the street and a half a block away. The little one climbed onto the curb and wobbled to a standing position on the sidewalk. Just then, a van pulled up next to us. The passenger side window rolled down, revealing four women inside.

“There’s a baby outside alone back there.” The driver’s words came out choppy as she thumbed to the same location. “Did you see him?”

The men nodded.

“I’ll go,” I said.

The woman in the passenger seat jumped out, her mouth a straight line. She jogged across the street toward the spot where we had all spied the baby.

I waved to the two men. “You guys are the best.”

Then Flicka, Lala, and I took off too. But where was the little one now? We scanned the sidewalks and street. Nothing. He couldn’t have wandered too far. We caught up to the woman from the van.

“He was just here.” She scowled, putting her hands on her hips. “Now he’s gone.”

We scoured some nearby yards together. As the seconds ticked by, worry squeezed my chest.

“Over there.” The woman pointed to a house.

Inside the home—and standing at the picture window—was the baby in green. He pressed his forehead and palms against the glass and stared back at us.

I blew out a sigh, and concern fluttered away. “Thank goodness.”

The driver of the van circled around and picked up her friend. Then Flicka, Lala, and I walked home.

 

Each day holds small things we hardly notice. Cups of coffee and hot showers; dog walks and brushes with strangers. But in a slice of time and three blocks from home on our first walk of spring, our lives had intersected with the lives of six others, and in an instant, our priorities melded. The small thing that day wore a green coat and rattled the lives of eight people for two minutes on one block in north Minneapolis.

Maybe the small things aren’t always so small.

 

 

 

*Miss an installment of the blog? Or want to catch the story from the beginning? Visit http://www.tamarajorell.com/blog-entries-by-date

*Names in this blog have been changed to protect my family, neighbors, and friends in the neighborhood, and in a nod of appreciation to the beloved Swedish author Maj Lindman, I’ve renamed my three blondies Flicka, Ricka, and Dicka.

Self-control

*This blog installment ends the nine-week series on the fruit of the Spirit. To enjoy the posts again, visit here.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things, there is no law.

 

Crash!

I jumped up from the dining room table where I had been enjoying a conversation with my visiting sister-in-law and ran to the living room window to make sense of what had happened on the street in front of our house. Husband flew outside to investigate, and I followed on his heels. I stood on the sidewalk in my bathrobe and bare feet at 10:20 p.m. on that Friday night and watched the offending vehicle squeal off, its engine revving. Husband sprinted after it all the way to the corner. The car lurched and sputtered, but even in its damaged state, it gained ground and hurtled away.

Dicka watched the shenanigans from the front steps. Husband jogged back and hollered to her. “Grab my phone for me, will you?”

She scurried into the house and out again, handing him the phone. He jumped into his pickup and sped off.

After I called 911 to report the incident, my sister-in-law and I assessed her van, sitting out front. No damage. Next, we checked the other parked cars. The one belonging to our neighbor had been smashed in the bumper, its rear tire now flat, and we later learned the impact had pushed it a car-length up the road. The collision had shattered glass everywhere and strewn large hunks of plastic and other pieces of car in the street—most of which belonged to the runaway vehicle.

Later, Husband told us about the pursuit. The car had maintained its speed even though it had lost a tire and its rim had turned sideways. He followed for a while, but lost sight of it. Then some onlookers pointed him in the right direction. He picked up the car’s trail again and followed the scratches it had carved into the asphalt. The grooves led him over some railroad tracks and back to a location eight blocks from our place. He spotted the guilty car parked in an alley driveway, guessing the driver had disappeared inside the home.

Husband parked nearby and waited for the police. Before they arrived, though, someone from the house emerged with a flashlight, assessed the battered vehicle, and swiped the light’s beam at Husband’s truck. Then the person scuttled back inside.

At last, the police came and gathered more details from Husband. They had received four 911 calls reporting the same hit-and-run, they said. Then they pounded on the door of the house. No answer. They called for a tow truck, and soon the rumpled vehicle was hauled away.

The next morning, Husband gathered up the mound of debris left on our street and tossed it into the bed of his pickup. He drove it to the same house from the night before and unloaded it in their driveway.

“They can throw it away themselves,” he later told me with a shrug. “We don’t have room in our trash can for all that.”

 

Maybe the hit-and-run driver had been under the influence when he crashed into the parked car. It wasn’t the only account that week of reckless drivers demolishing parked vehicles in our neighborhood; the north Minneapolis Facebook pages teemed with similar stories. I shook my head at the thought of restraint running amok and spraying glass and car bits around in the dark. And it reminded me of those who dove into altercations that spilled onto the streets, littering our neighborhood with jagged words and shards of anger. Then I recalled more occasions where I had witnessed a lack of discipline. I thought of parents who left their preschool children alone at the park to play and of those who threw tall kitchen bags stuffed with garbage out of their car windows as they drove. Why couldn’t people control themselves?

But then memories of my own actions that week pricked me.

Did I think I was better because my lack of restraint was quieter, disrupting fewer people? I hadn’t rammed my vehicle into a parked car, but a few days earlier I had gobbled up a stunning amount of tortilla chips in one sitting. I hadn’t stood in the middle of the street screaming obscenities at anyone, but I had coaxed Flicka to binge-watch episodes of The Office with me on a school night. I hadn’t deserted little ones at the park, but I had frittered away time decluttering the top drawer of the buffet when I should have been working. And while I hadn’t chucked my trash out on the road, I had spent more money than I needed to when I was out shopping.

“I had to use the Kohl’s Cash before it expired,” I explained to Husband even though he hadn’t asked. “And I saved 30% with that other coupon.”

He chuckled. “Or you could have saved 100% by not buying anything.”

 

Self-control: the ability to pull the reins back on oneself. Age doesn’t naturally bring it, and sometimes the young ones have it—like my sister Coco who, as a child, saved her holiday candy for months. Knowing my sweets were long gone, she hid hers in her underwear drawer and positioned some rubber spiders to stand sentinel, hoping to incite enough fear to keep me out of her stash.

Maybe we haven’t mastered self-control. Maybe we’re even wrecks with it, hoping to eventually dominate our weaknesses even though we’re nowhere near it yet. None of us has arrived, but with each new day, we all have another chance to practice.

 

 

*Miss an installment of the blog? Or want to catch the story from the beginning? Visit http://www.tamarajorell.com/blog-entries-by-date

*Names in this blog have been changed to protect my family, neighbors, and friends in the neighborhood, and in a nod of appreciation to the beloved Swedish author Maj Lindman, I’ve renamed my three blondies Flicka, Ricka, and Dicka.

Gentleness

(Conclusion of last week’s installment, Faithfulness.)

 

She stared at her feet. The sun danced through the open door, and his shadow passed through it too and stopped in front of her. I’ve made such a mess. How could he come here? Then she felt a finger under her chin, raising it. He was too good for her house, her gaze, but she looked at him anyway.

His eyes—worn at the edges—smiled. “I’m here.”

She bit her lower lip; the reality of her surroundings stabbed her. Floor boards warped from storm waters, tiles shattered by abuse, and wallpaper beaten up by life—a far cry from the glorious architectural model he had created, sitting outside the front door. She tightened her muscles, bracing herself for the accusations.

Instead, he pointed to the kitchen. “May I?”

She nodded, and he bustled into the other room with his tool bag. A tool bag? She hiked an eyebrow and followed him.

He worked throughout the afternoon and evening, replacing the kitchen cabinetry and countertops, installing a marble sink and new faucet, tearing up the old tile and laying the new. Stunned by his precision and artistry, she observed his quick work. But it was soon too much. Exhausted, she dragged herself into the living room, sank down on the dusty sofa, and curled up in a ball.

She awoke to one small lamp glowing in the room. The darkness outside snuffed out the rest of the world. What time was it? Had she slept hours—or days? He appeared in front of her, holding a tray, the same smile from earlier playing in his eyes. “Eat. And then we’ll talk.”

He feeds me too. She devoured the delicate pastry crust, filled with savory vegetables and meat, and drank the juice that tasted like exotic fruits with honey. Had she ever been so hungry or thirsty? Finally satisfied, she dabbed her mouth with a napkin.

He settled into an armchair near her. And then we’ll talk. Her heart sank. Would the shredding words come now? After the kitchen renovation and delicious meal, would he slice her to pieces for all her sins? But then he spoke, his voice rich and musical, and explained his plans for her house. Only the best for his beloved, he said. Warmth filled her chest.

He stood and extended his hand to her. “Come. Let’s go for a walk.”

But the old fears slithered in again; things out there in the dark had snatched her away before. “I’d rather stay inside.”

“I’m here.” The soft eyes; the steady gaze. Love in flesh.

She put out both her hands, and he drew her to himself. Tears spilled from her eyes, and she didn’t know why. He thumbed them away.

“Okay. We can go now,” she said after a moment.

 

One night, she tossed and turned in bed. She thought of her old life and the marks it had left in her soul. Then Regret climbed onto the mattress next to her, and it was just as well; she had made her bed, hadn’t she?

The next morning, ragged from the sleepless hours, she held her cup of coffee in the sunroom and stared at a wall. But then he sat down next to her, and memories of Regret skittered away.

She set down her cup and grasped his hand. “Thank you.”

“I have something to show you.” He stood and led the way up the spiral staircase and into the ballroom on the second floor. She hadn’t visited that room in a while; her hips had begun to hurt too much for the climb, and she was satisfied living on the house’s first level anyway.

He escorted her to the east side of the room, which was covered with windows. The early sun flooded the space, drenching the parquet floor.

She looked through the glass and furrowed her brow. “But this is a different view.”

“Yes.” He ran his hand along the wood trim and then eyed her. “I washed the windows.”

A cluster of ladies walked at a brisk clip on the road beyond her driveway. And then a young man and woman ambled by, pushing a baby in a stroller.

She tucked a piece of her hair behind an ear. “Have they always passed by here?”

He nodded. “Always.”

“But I haven’t seen people out there before.” She stepped closer to the glass, squinting.

“You weren’t looking.”

But her eyes were open now.

 

Over the years, he mended the house, room by room. He breathed new life into the old and restored the broken pieces to wholeness. The neighbors noticed the change.

“Good work.” They smiled and congratulated her. “You’ve really pulled it together.”

She held up a hand. “No. It was all him.”

The years creased her face, but his beauty in her life was louder. Her joints grew achier, but his strength was enough for the two of them. They shared coffee in the mornings; they strolled together on the gravel road or in the garden in the evenings. She tried to recall her life before him, but her old self was too blurry to make out anymore, and so she released it for good.

One day, she received news from her doctor—the kind of news a person dreads throughout life and then hears at last.

She twisted a tissue in her hands. “How much time do I have?”

“It’s hard to say, really, since everyone’s different.” The doctor bunched her lips to one side. “Six months?”

“Oh,” she said, her chin wobbling. But as usual, he was sitting beside her, and so she turned to him. “You’ll help me, won’t you?”

His eyes smiled again. “I’m here.”

“What did you say?” the doctor said, cocking her head.

“Nothing.” She stood, looping her purse on her arm. “Thank you.”

 

While illness gnawed away at her life over the following months, the house became more beautiful. In his gentleness, he worked at it, because as long as she drew breath, he had a plan.

“This is hard,” she said one day on their walk. She plodded along. Everything hurt now, but if she stopped moving, she worried she might never move again. “And I’m scared.”

“I know.” He curved his arm around her, pulling her snug to his side. She heard his heartbeat.

“Don’t leave me.”

But his eyes still smiled. “I’m here.”

She squeezed him back as much as she could. “I love you too.”

 

 

*Miss an installment of the blog? Or want to catch the story from the beginning? Visit http://www.tamarajorell.com/blog-entries-by-date

*Names in this blog have been changed to protect my family, neighbors, and friends in the neighborhood, and in a nod of appreciation to the beloved Swedish author Maj Lindman, I’ve renamed my three blondies Flicka, Ricka, and Dicka.

Faithfulness

“I love you,” he said.

But she frowned and shook her head. He had said it so many times that his message trickled off, and she didn’t hear it anymore—like a waterfall so beautiful the eye grows tired of it. To accept a love like that required action, and she didn’t want to be forced to do anything to pay it back. She gritted her teeth.

She ignored what she heard around town about his affections for her, but the buzz became too much, and so she abandoned her old house in the country, her town, and him—not that she had ever been with him. From a young age, she had just thought she should be.

While she struggled for a different life in a far-off place, word came back to her about him. He worked in construction and renovations, and she heard his hands dripped blood for her. But it must have been intended for someone else, whatever it was he was building when he hurt himself. Why would he create something special for her? She was already gone.

She sought love elsewhere on her own terms—the kind of love that matched hers—and found it came in many packages: messy, frightening, exacting. But all of those loves took her farther than she wanted to go and kept her longer than she meant to stay.

At last, she left them all. But the years were eaten up, and she was dry, used, and her looks were faded. Now who will want me?

Then through the grapevine, she again heard talk about his faithfulness. Maybe the story of his love had always been told, but because she had come to the end of herself, her hearing had sharpened. They said he wanted her, he had built something for her, and it was finished. And now he waited for her to come home.

She was curious.

One day, she hopped into her car. She would drive back to look at the old property. Maybe the thing he had made for her—the thing that had caused his wounds—was waiting there.

After many hours, she steered the car onto the familiar, winding road. And there it was: her old, broken-down house. She pulled into the driveway, put the car into park, and stared. A wave of failure washed over her. She had never been able to maintain it alone, and it was worse than ever, this home she had never invited him to enter. He had knocked many times, but his love for her was too pure—too undeserved—and her place was always such a mess. She sighed. But then something caught her eye. Off to the side, in a pool of sunlight, was a small structure. She squinted. What was it?

She sprang from the car, her eyes trained on the form. As she approached it, she could see it was made of wood. An architectural model. A replica of the dilapidated house that stood only yards away. But it was different. Beautiful windows replaced the dingy, slanted ones of the original. She peered at the craftsmanship of the miniature: the trim work, the crown molding, the costly tile, the exotic wood floors—everything she wanted. He had thought of it all. Even the smallest details were healed.

As she drank in the hope, something rustled behind her. And then his warm gaze settled on her back. For the first time, she wanted it. But she couldn’t turn around now; she hadn’t showered that day or put on makeup. So she dashed through the old house’s unlocked front door, slamming it behind her, and dropped onto the tattered sofa, creating a plume of dust. Her heart pounded.  

A knock at the door. The familiar knock.

There was nothing left for her, so she stood, strode across the room, and unclasped the door.

“Come in,” she said.  

 

 

*Miss an installment of the blog? Or want to catch the story from the beginning? Visit http://www.tamarajorell.com/blog-entries-by-date

*Names in this blog have been changed to protect my family, neighbors, and friends in the neighborhood, and in a nod of appreciation to the beloved Swedish author Maj Lindman, I’ve renamed my three blondies Flicka, Ricka, and Dicka.

Goodness

“You’ll have some sugar twists,” she said to us kids.

Hosts usually shaped those kinds of sentences into questions, but not at that old farmhouse. Grandma’s sugar twists were a foregone conclusion and meant to be washed down with ample amounts of hot cocoa.

That day and a thousand days like it, my siblings and I scrambled into chairs around Grandma’s Formica kitchen table while she lifted the cover off a container of her baked treats. Then she scooped some homemade cocoa mix into plastic mugs for all of us. Her slippers scraped the linoleum as she shuffled the few steps to the wood stove to fetch the screaming tea kettle. She returned and filled each of our cups with hot water. With the job accomplished, she settled into her chair.

“Now let me look at you.” Grandma’s eyes gleamed with satisfaction as she watched us eat. Then she reached into her craft basket and pulled out her newest tatting project. 

My brother brushed crumbs from his mouth. “How are you doing, Grandma?”

“I can’t kick about a thing.” She smiled, poking the tatting shuttle in and out of the strands of thread she held. There was nothing dainty about Grandma’s hands, but delicate art came from them anyway.

Gifts flowed from her crochet hook, knitting needles, and sewing machine too. Because of her industrious hours, lacy snowflakes hung on our Christmas tree, and slippers and scarves warmed us. And long before Mattel introduced the black Barbie, Grandma had sewn us dolls of many colors.

Besides the treats and gifts, Grandma doled out her own brand of medical attention, when needed. And one summer day when I was ten, I needed it. Some of us cousins had wanted to swim in the ditches, but we hadn’t thought to bring swimsuits to Grandma’s. She found us some T-shirts and boxer shorts, though, and solved the dilemma. So, in Grandpa’s old underwear, we swam through the culverts that ran under the road, and we slimed around in the cattails. After we had exhausted our fun, I felt something scratchy in my eye. I complained to Grandma.

“Go lie down on the davenport.” She dug around in a kitchen drawer.

I followed her instructions, placing my head on the armrest of the couch in the living room, and waited.

In a minute, Grandma hustled to me with a wooden matchstick in her hand. “Now hold still.”

A match? What was going to happen to me? And would it hurt?

It all went so fast; she picked up my eyelashes, tucked them around the matchstick, and rolled up my eyelid.

“I can’t blink.” I squirmed. “This feels funny.”

“Almost through.” Grandma’s finger came at my eye and brushed out the offending speck. Then she unfurled my eyelid and let me go.

 

As a child, I thought about Grandma, the producer of treats, homemade toys, and thirty-two cousins for my entertainment. But as an adult, I thought about Grandma, the woman. She had given birth to eleven children whom she had raised with Grandpa in Newfolden, Minnesota, in an old farmhouse made up of different additions—completed over the years—and cobbled together into one dwelling which was nestled on a plot of land in the country. And there, Grandma developed a reputation: she befriended anyone and cooked for everyone. Neighbor ladies would tote their children to her for visits that lasted all day and into the evening. She housed people who had suffered car accidents and house fires. And when her kids’ school bus went into a ditch across the road during a blizzard one winter, all the students trudged to her house where she fed them creamed peas on baking powder biscuits until their stomachs were full.

One day in the 1960s, the county social worker drove out to Grandma and Grandpa’s place to ask them to be foster parents. They declined. Their home was too small, they said, and not nice enough. But the man said it was perfect, and knowing Grandma’s heart, he added that if they couldn’t take in kids, those troubled ones would be sent away to a home for juvenile delinquents. After the social worker’s visit, my grandparents gained more children whom they loved for the rest of their lives.

Grandma’s goodness marked her days. She was a sounding board for many discontented wives and floundering people. She mailed hundreds of greeting cards each year, wrote letters to those who were in jail, and sewed quilts for mothers whose babies had been “born out of wedlock”, because churches didn’t throw baby showers for them in those days. And for two years in the 1970s, she took care of several of my cousins—and their baby sister, born two months early—when their mother died of leukemia a few weeks after giving birth.  

In 2001 at the age of ninety, Grandma passed away. Mourners grieved the loss of her and the loss of her prayers for them. But stories of her bolstered us. Some called her “the neighborhood social worker.” One friend said, “When she looked at my children, she saw they were people.” And another told the story of when her three-year-old boy met Grandma. Enthralled by her from the start, he had whispered to his mother, “Is she Jesus?”

Goodness comes in different forms and in some unlikely times and places throughout our lives. But in the days of my childhood and beyond, goodness was never far away; it lived on a plot of land out in the country in that old farmhouse.


*Miss an installment of the blog? Or want to catch the story from the beginning? Visit http://www.tamarajorell.com/blog-entries-by-date

*Names in this blog have been changed to protect my family, neighbors, and friends in the neighborhood, and in a nod of appreciation to the beloved Swedish author Maj Lindman, I’ve renamed my three blondies Flicka, Ricka, and Dicka.

Kindness

We arrived at La Gare Montparnasse, one of Paris’ six largest train stations, after a three-hour train ride from La Rochelle. Dr. Janis, our chaperone, disembarked with us nine college students. We had spent the previous six weeks that summer of 1994 in a study abroad program, and now our adventure was almost over. One night in Paris, and we would all go our separate ways.

Right there on the platform, Janis—as we called him—caught our attention one last time with a flamboyant wave of his arms. He lowered onto all fours and kissed the quai, pronouncing himself libre of his responsibilities. Then he stood up, brushed himself off, and walked away, leaving us with our overwhelming piles of luggage.

To save our dwindling francs, we chose to take the metro instead of a taxi to the youth hostel. But we were unwise in our planning; each of us had three monstrous suitcases to manage, made heavier and more unwieldy by the added weight of purchases we had made during our stay.

We scraped together our ingenuity, inventing ways to make it through the turnstiles before they closed on us, and we devised techniques to get on and off the train in the twenty seconds the doors stood open at each stop. But despite our best plans, all but one of us made it onto the train at the first station. We darted frantic looks at each other and at our lagging friend who struggled to load her carrying cart onto the train. As she strained, red-faced, the warning buzzer sounded. Five seconds left. Two of us lunged for the door, hoping to help her board. But would we make it?

Just then, a man inside the train reached out and lifted her cart inside for her, and she scrambled on after it. The doors closed. I steadied my breathing, contemplating the close call.  

When it was time for us to get off, the doors opened, and the countdown began. Twenty seconds to unload our burdens from the train. But someone removed our suitcases for us and set them on the platform. How could they have carried off those behemoth nightmares so quickly? I scanned the area, but couldn’t find the helper—or helpers—who had saved my friends and me.

After three trains, two transfers, many sets of stairs, and almost two hours of travel on the metro with our ridiculous baggage, we arrived at 151, avenue Ledru-Rollin, our clothes drenched with sweat and our hands swollen.

That evening at the Bastille Hostel, I reclined in my bottom bunk and remembered the kindness of the strangers on the train who had helped us that day. It was probably nothing for them, but their assistance had made life easier for nine traveling students.

 

Early August’s driving rain assaulted the pavement in the church parking lot. So many cars this Sunday morning in 2004, and I hadn’t arrived early enough for a front row spot. I pulled the car into an open space and turned off the ignition. For fifteen seconds, I considered my exit strategy. Husband was working, so I’d do this thing alone. After forming a plan and summoning the courage, I jumped out, looped the strap of the diaper bag over my shoulder, and poked my head inside the back seat.

“See how hard it’s raining, girls?” I glanced at Flicka and Ricka—my four and two year olds—in their car seats as I detached three-month-old Dicka’s infant seat from its base. Rain pelted my lower back as I worked. “Now listen. We’re going to get inside the church fast. You two hold onto me as we walk, okay?”

My oldest ones released themselves from their seats and scrambled out of the car. Flicka grabbed onto the hem of my shirt, but Ricka scuttled off toward the nearest mini pond. A vehicle rolled by a few feet from her. My heart lurched.

“Ricka, come back.” I hooked the infant seat on my arm. “I don’t want you getting hit by a car.”

My two year old looked at me. “Okay, Mama.” Then she examined the puddle again and tapped her toe into it.

Lightning split the sky, and thunder cracked. I locked the car with my gaze glued on Ricka. She scampered back to me and clutched onto the edge of my shirt. We began our trek across the parking lot, pointed for the door. But on the way, the torrent soaked us, and the baby sputtered; the canopy of the infant seat kept out the rain as well as an open window. I shook the wet hair from my face. Hair styling and makeup application was all vanity anyway, I told myself.

“Can you have thunder without lightning?” Flicka skipped at my side, tugging down my shirt with each hop.

“Hm. I don’t know.” I side-stepped a pool of water. “Maybe not?”

Ricka, distracted by another puddle, dropped her grip on me, and I tossed a prayer into the soggy, grey sky. Please let us all just get inside. We hobbled at a snail’s pace. Only twenty yards to go…

A man exited the church doors, popped open an umbrella, and bounded toward us.

“Looks like you could use a little help.” He held the umbrella above my head as he walked with us.

I laughed, imagining black lines of mascara streaking my cheeks. “You have no idea.”

During the service, I recalled the kindness of the man with the umbrella. It was likely nothing for him, but his gesture improved the day for one mom and her three kids.

 

One day in 2014, Husband drove down Fremont Avenue on our way to the store. He squinted at the car ahead of us. Then he flicked on the headlights, flashing them back and forth. Brights, dims. Brights, dims.

I furrowed my brow. “What?”

“They left their cell phone on their bumper.”

Before reaching the stoplight at Dowling Avenue North, the driver pulled over to the side of the road. Husband drove up behind her, put the car in park, and hopped out. He plucked the cell phone from the bumper of the vehicle and headed with it to the driver’s side. The woman rolled down her window and spoke with him. Husband handed her the phone, strode back to our car, and slid into the driver’s seat.

“How did it go?” I said.

He shrugged. “She was happy.”

Later that day, I thought of Husband’s kindness toward a stranger. It was nothing for him, but maybe his help made life less stressful for the woman who got her phone back.

 

A hand to lift a heavy suitcase off the metro, an umbrella over the head of a struggling mom, willingness to stop long enough to return a cell phone. The world brims with people’s small deeds of kindness. They don’t make the news, and they aren’t dazzling enough to be captured for YouTube. But for the giver and receiver, those little actions tear apart boredom, shake up apathy, and dent a person’s jaded outlook.

Big opportunities to save someone may never come. But every day the small needs of others speckle our paths and invite us to act.

 

 

*Miss an installment of the blog? Or want to catch the story from the beginning? Visit http://www.tamarajorell.com/blog-entries-by-date

*Names in this blog have been changed to protect my family, neighbors, and friends in the neighborhood, and in a nod of appreciation to the beloved Swedish author Maj Lindman, I’ve renamed my three blondies Flicka, Ricka, and Dicka.

Patience

“Why didn’t you buy four bags instead of three?” My girl skewered me with a look in the checkout bagging area at IKEA. Her tone had an edge that cut me right in the feelings.

I had spent the previous three days painting a sophisticated grey—the hot color choice of teens and tweens everywhere—over my girls’ pink, yellow, and turquoise bedroom walls. And that morning, I had doled out a chunk of money to each of my offspring, explaining they could spend the allotment for their bedrooms however they liked at IKEA. Before the shopping trip—while everyone was in good spirits—I had announced the ground rules, promising to dock any gripers $5 per complaint. So help me if they’re not grateful after all I’ve done, I had thought while counting out the cash into their hands.

But it had been one of those weeks, and now this with something as silly as an IKEA bag.

I leveled my gaze at my girl, my voice as smooth as the Svenbertil chair I had seen on display. “I made a mistake. I bought three bags for our stuff—and not four. We’ll figure it out.”

But she craved the final say, and disrespectfulness waltzed in with her words. I bit my tongue and shoved our cart of purchased goods into a corner near the elevator to the parking ramp. I crammed every last item—bedding, pillows, lamps, and curtains—into a couple of the blue bags to make the point that two bags could hold everything. In fact, three was superfluous, I hoped to demonstrate with my vigorous stuffing.

“Why are you in such a hurry, Mom?” my lovely asked.

I drove the cartload into the open elevator—wishing Husband had been with me—vowing I’d leave with or without my people. But somehow the three girls picked up the pace and scooted into the Honda before I peeled out of the parking lot. I tromped on the gas and clamped my mouth shut. Silence blared from the back seat, and maybe eyes widened too, but I didn’t care enough to look back.

I turned my thoughts to the past months. Besides the recent room painting, I had poured much of my energy into the girls and their pursuits, driving them—and their friends—anywhere at any time for sports commitments and friend engagements. Their requests echoed through my thoughts: So-and-so only has a bus pass, so could we drive her home since it’s -12 degrees? When you take me to so-and-so’s, could we pick up Friend A and Friend B first since they live near us? And can they get a ride home too? I’ll text you when we’re ready, since I don’t know a time right now. Oh, and can I get $15 for food after school and money for the game?

I had gotten a breezy thank-you here or there—from my own darlings and their friends—tossed to me like pieces of junk mail. Reality hit me in the gut: I was a free ride and a wallet, and nothing more.

In the previous weeks, I had told myself lies about my girls’ friends: Maybe their parents don’t have cars—or driver’s licenses—and they work 24-7 to put food on the table. Or maybe these kids don’t have parents at all and live a kind of Pippi Longstocking lifestyle, fending for themselves and their pet monkeys.

But my thoughts on the drive home from IKEA distracted me, and by accident, I took the Terminal 1 exit to the airport instead of the 55/Hiawatha exit to Minneapolis. Really? I looped around, inching along behind people loading and unloading their luggage at baggage claim—drumming my fingers on the steering wheel—before I finally got back onto the freeway home.

Later, I texted my friend: Wanna run away with me? No one will know I’m gone. Wait. Maybe they’ll notice after all. They won’t have their taxi service.

She texted back: I’ve wanted to run away for years. Or go on strike. I’ve read about those moms who stop doing EVERYTHING and stand outside with their signs. I’ve considered it.

Later in the day, I drove two of my girls to their sports practices.

“So-and-so needs a ride home,” one of them said to me. “Is that okay?”

I exhaled. “Sure. It’s on our way.”

After practice, my kid and her friend jumped into the car.

“Could she have a sleepover at our place tonight?” my girl asked me, her face eager.

“No.” Then I yanked my politeness back out of the glove compartment and smiled into the back seat at her friend. “It’s always fun to have you over, but we have a family day tomorrow. Another time?”

I deposited the girl at her house, and then turned to my kid. “Honey, don’t ask me things like that in front of your friends. It makes me look bad when I say no.”

“Sorry, Mom.” She looked down at her hands, and my close companion, Guilt, elbowed me.

On the drive, I contemplated life and my job as a chauffeur. I could say no, I told myself. I could lay down an “Absolutely not!” to driving everyone anywhere at any time. But then at 9:30 p.m., another one of my girls texted from her friend’s house: Could we give Friend C a ride home? If not, that’s okay. She can take the bus.

Sure, I texted back.

But before I could get her, I had to retrieve the other girl from practice and see that her two friends got home safely. Tired from the IKEA day and the endless driving, I pulled up to my last stop. My daughter scurried out to the car, along with Friend C who wore pajama pants. And she had thought she could take the bus? It was too cold at -5 degrees to be in thin flannel; I drove her home and rubbed my temples as I watched her unlock her door. She waved to us before entering her house.

At last, we made the day’s final trip home. Once inside, the girls disappeared to their bedrooms. I fixed a cup of tea and made a beeline for the bathroom. While I filled the bathtub, I selected the Mr. Mister station on Pandora—my go-to for self-soothing—and cranked up the volume. At last, I stepped into the tub and sank into the steaming water.

Toto crooned, Not quite a year since she went away, Rosanna. Now she’s gone and I have to say…

She’s gone! Toto had said so. How depressing. Big drops of self-pity plopped into my bathwater.

Meet you all the way, meet you all the way, Rosanna…

So even the Toto guy covered the driving, it sounded like. I bawled some more and reached for my mug of tea. I reclined and listened to Journey’s “Only the Young” and Starship’s “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now.” And then I stopped my blubbering.

Exhausted from days of painting and home improvements? First world problems. Feeling put upon for driving everyone to kingdom come—and back—by my own choice? Child’s play. Feeling unappreciated for being the mom? An issue as old as time.

Then I thought of many in the neighborhood around me—mourning, struggling, freezing, hungry, lonely. All of them had worse things to deal with than fresh paint, new bedding from IKEA, and having three healthy girls to drive around the city. And I also thought of the characters from my favorite book who had been flogged, stoned, tortured, imprisoned, and mistreated. All of them had shown patience in suffering.

Patience.

My reactions to the day had been less than commendable; my attitude, stinky. And the fruit of my patience sat rotten in its bowl.

I sighed and pulled myself out of the bathtub. Tomorrow would be a new day.

 


*Miss an installment of the blog? Or want to catch the story from the beginning? Visit http://www.tamarajorell.com/blog-entries-by-date

*Names in this blog have been changed to protect my family, neighbors, and friends in the neighborhood, and in a nod of appreciation to the beloved Swedish author Maj Lindman, I’ve renamed my three blondies Flicka, Ricka, and Dicka.

Peace

Latika, our one-year-old houseguest, bounced in the Johnny Jump Up mounted in the kitchen doorway. Smiling, she banged a plastic measuring cup on the tray in front of her while I stood at the kitchen counter arranging the frozen potato rounds on the meat mixture in the baking dish. My girls had reminded me I hadn’t made the Minnesota staple in months, and would I do it tonight? I smiled at the normalcy of Tater Tot Hotdish, the exuberant baby bobbing near me, and the family being home together for the evening. The humble, simple, peaceful life.  

POP! POP! POP! POP! POP!

The blasts outside jarred me and brought to mind Fireworks or Gunshots?, a game we Northsiders too often played. But this time was easy; the higher-pitched crack of each report told me the answer. I flew to the kitchen window. Our dog, Lala, stood erect outside at the back gate, and her strident barks and raised hair told me she had chosen the same answer I had.

Just then, a young man dashed from the rental property across the alley. He darted looks in both directions, his right hand under his t-shirt—the fabric revealing the outline of a gun. He jogged down the alley to the north and disappeared.

I deserted my lookout, dodged Latika in her swing, and rushed into the living room where Husband was parked in a chair. I jabbed my thumb toward the kitchen.

“Those were gunshots. And I just saw the shooter.” I rattled off the details.

“Okay.” Husband stood up, strode from the room, and exited the house.

Within seconds, sirens wailed. I lifted the baby from her seat and looked out the window again. A squad car zoomed through the alley, and a second one stopped by our garage. Two officers emerged, and they spoke with Husband for a few minutes. Then he poked his head into the house. “I told the police what you saw. They want to talk to you.”

I handed the baby to Flicka and stepped outside. An ambulance arrived, its lights flashing. A police officer stretched yellow tape across the alley.

Another officer ambled toward me. “So, you saw the guy?”

“I heard five shots, and then I looked out the window and saw him run out of there.” I pointed at the rental property. “He went north.”

“What did he look like?”

I described the perpetrator, recounting how the man’s hand was hidden under his shirt.

He nodded. “What color shirt?”

I tilted my head and frowned. “I don’t remember. I was watching his hand—and where he ran. I could tell he had a gun.”

“But you don’t remember the color of his shirt?”

Was it dark—maybe grey or blue? If it had been red or yellow, I might have remembered. I shook my head. “I’m sorry. I don’t.”

The officer thanked me and walked away.

Then Husband nodded toward the commotion in the alley. “The guy who got shot is on the ground in the back yard over there.”  

I searched his face. “Do you think he’s dead?”

“Who knows? I couldn’t see much. People were already crowding around him.”

I stared at the emergency workers, law enforcement, and curious passersby. A week earlier, we had grilled burgers, and my main concern was whether or not I had remembered to buy another bottle of ketchup. Today I wondered about the state of the victim, lying on a lawn close to our house.

After a few hours, the crowd dissipated, the yellow tape vanished, and normal life resumed. The news later provided some spare details about the young man who had been sniped down in the yard near ours, and we learned the ending of his story: he had died in the ambulance on the way to North Memorial.

Shaken by our close proximity to the homicide, I mulled over the day’s happenings that evening. But shootings in our part of the city were as common as Tater Tot Hotdish at a Midwestern potluck. And those behind the frequent violence—like the shooter I saw flee that day—lived for self-preservation, greed, or revenge. But what was the answer? Too many throughout our city, country, and world cried out for peace at such a time as this, but if they did anything about it, they chose good behavior’s temporary fix, their efforts shiny but brittle. And their plastic peace showed up in tattoos, bumper stickers, and necklaces, masking their own dark thoughts.

Where was the lasting, unbreakable Peace that transcended all understanding—and guarded the hearts and minds of humanity? He had stood among the onlookers in the yard across the alley, longing to be invited in.

 

*Miss an installment of the blog? Or want to catch the story from the beginning? Visit http://www.tamarajorell.com/blog-entries-by-date

*Names in this blog have been changed to protect my family, neighbors, and friends in the neighborhood, and in a nod of appreciation to the beloved Swedish author Maj Lindman, I’ve renamed my three blondies Flicka, Ricka, and Dicka.

Joy

The twenty-six-year-old woman sat in a chair at the Thanksgiving table. The wavelike motion in her belly reminded her today was her due date. But babies—not doctors—chose their own arrival times; her three-year-old daughter had been born two weeks late, after all.

Like the brimming dishes of food in front of her on that day—November 28, 1968—she saw all the good things that overflowed in her life. She turned to her little girl sitting next to her and cut the child’s food into small pieces. Then she glanced at her husband across the table and smiled. Soon, they would be a family of four.

But two days later, something changed; the fluttery movements within her, which for months had accompanied her daily life, stopped. Concerned, she told her husband. He drove her to the emergency room the next day, and a doctor listened to her stomach with his stethoscope. Finally, he furrowed his brow, and fixed his gaze on her face.

“I can’t find a heartbeat.”

Her husband frowned, and she shifted in her seat. Could this be? Could it mean what she most feared?

She cleared her throat, her eyes wide. “What will we do if the baby is—?”

“We won’t do anything.” The doctor pursed his lips. “Labor will start at some point, but it’s hard to know when.”

The woman bit her lower lip and nodded. If only today she could’ve seen her own doctor. Someone she knew—and someone who knew her. “Thank you.”

The couple stood. She clutched her husband’s arm as they left the emergency room.

On the drive home, she sank into her thoughts. Memories of her recent miscarriage pricked her. And now this. What if all was not well? If the unthinkable were true, how long would she carry a dead baby? For a moment, icy fingers of dread curled around her spine. But she couldn’t think that way; doctors had been wrong before.

Late that night, the young woman’s water broke. Labor pains rolled through her body, and grateful their three-year-old was already in her grandmother’s care, she woke her husband. The two climbed into the car for the second trip to the hospital that day.

A few miles down the road, a new idea prodded her. She studied her husband, his mouth a straight line as he gripped the steering wheel, navigating the snow-covered gravel road. She swallowed hard. “If we have a girl—and she’s not living—I think we should name her Joy.”

He looked at her, and the corners of his mouth curved up for a second. “Yes. That’s good.” Then he stared at the road again, and silence seeped into the car.

The young mother labored through the night. In the early morning of December 2, 1968, at Northwestern Hospital in Thief River Falls, Minnesota, Joy came into this world. But the delivery room was still. And no infant cries shredded the air.

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

 

Every now and then throughout the years, we spoke of the baby who was gone before she came. And when I was an adult with children of my own, we still spoke of her.

“But if Joy had lived, we wouldn’t have had you.” Mom smiled at me.

“I know, Mom.” I thought of my place in the family order—the one following the time of sadness. I imagined losing one of my own. The thought knifed my heart.

“Then you came—and your three siblings after you. Life has been good.” She nodded. “Always so good.”

 

As a child, I envisioned the older sister I had never met. And I thought of her namesake—that emotion everyone sought. But how could my parents have named their dead baby Joy? Didn’t joy mean happiness?

Consider it joy when you encounter various trials…

My childhood path led to adulthood, the terrain becoming more treacherous in spots. And along the way I learned joy wasn’t a synonym for happiness—the fair-weather emotion, dependent on favorable circumstances. Happiness could only travel the smooth, exhilarating way—and only when the temperature was seventy degrees and sunny; during the jagged and stormy parts, the fickle feeling bolted.

On the drive to the hospital that night in 1968—although my mother hadn’t known why—she had been compelled to choose a new name for the baby who was already gone. But because of the Creator of Joy in her life, the baby’s name characterized the uncertain and rugged path ahead.

Like Mom, I pressed into Him too in my own rocky places. And I gained the lesson she had learned: with The Joy-giver at my side, the condition of the road didn’t matter anymore.

You have made known to me the path of life; You will fill me with joy in Your presence, with eternal pleasures at Your right hand.

 

*Miss an installment of the blog? Or want to catch the story from the beginning? Visit http://www.tamarajorell.com/blog-entries-by-date

*Names in this blog have been changed to protect my family, neighbors, and friends in the neighborhood, and in a nod of appreciation to the beloved Swedish author Maj Lindman, I’ve renamed my three blondies Flicka, Ricka, and Dicka.

Love

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things, there is no law.

 

I pulled the Honda up to the curb in front of Healing House. For the protection of the women who were enrolled and living there with their children, the address of the place was unpublished. I glanced at the placement information I had received in the Urgent Needs email. Mona, the woman I had come to meet—the biological mother—had gotten in a fight with another woman and was being kicked out of Healing House’s eighteen-month program. And now she needed coverage for her baby girl for one week while she found other living arrangements for the two of them.

I climbed out of the vehicle, glancing at the infant car seat in the back, knowing it would soon carry an eight-month-old passenger. And then I strode to the front entrance and pressed the buzzer.

A young woman came to the door. “Are you the host mom from Safe Families for Children?”

“Yes, I am. Are you Mona?”

She nodded, a shy smile playing on her lips, and motioned for me to follow her. “I already have her things packed for you. I hope it’s enough.”

On the floor next to the front desk sat several brimming garbage bags and numerous pieces of baby equipment. Our family had served kids who owned very little, and the five-month-old twins had come to our home with only the clothes on their bodies, a few diapers, and enough formula to get us through the first night. The sight of the large amount of baggage in front of me pricked my heart. “It’s more than enough.”

“Wanna see Adele now?” Mona’s eyes shone.

We walked down a long hallway to a sunny nursery. A childcare worker bounced a baby on her hip and handed a toy to a toddler who tugged on her shirt. When we stepped inside the room, the woman brought the baby to us.

“She’s darling.” I reached out for Adele and took her into my arms. She smiled at me, and so did Mona.

I gave her back to her mother for our walk out to my car. Mona buckled her baby into the car seat, kissing her first on the forehead and then once on each cheek. Then she closed the door and turned to me.

“Thank you.” Her words, warm with untold stories, lit her face.

I touched her sleeve. “I’m happy to help, Mona.”

 

Later that day, after dinner and playtime with Adele, it was time to say goodnight. I whisked her away from my girls, and they followed me into the guest room. They poked through the clothing bags, oohing and aahing over the tiny dresses.

I made funny faces at the baby while I changed her diaper. “Can one of you find something for her to wear to bed?”

Flicka handed me a pair of pajamas, and Ricka chose Adele’s outfit for the next day.

Then Dicka pulled something square and flat from one of the bags. “Mom, look. This was in there with the clothes.”

A Baby’s First Year calendar. I remembered recording the tender details of my babies’ first years in calendars like this one. And like Mona, I had captured all the firsts too—the first tooth, the first time sleeping through the night, the first step.

Dicka settled onto the guest bed and flipped through the calendar’s pages. After I had zipped Adele into the fuzzy pajamas, I sat down too, snuggling the baby on my lap. I gazed at the document in Dicka’s hands as if it were a priceless artifact. Because it was.

Mona had chronicled Adele’s birth and filled in the family tree. Then in more blanks designated for the baby, she had instead written about Adele’s father, telling the story of how they had first met when he moved onto her block—just a few houses down from hers—one summer. As the warm winds swept in that July, so had their love, and the two were inseparable. He was her Once-in-a-Lifetime, a good man, and she was proud of him—and Adele would be too one day. Though her words were cheery, pain lived in the spaces between Mona’s sentences.

I drew in a deep breath and exhaled. “We should put this away.”

Dicka nodded. Then she closed the calendar and tucked it back in with the clothing.

 

The days with Adele fluttered by, and she spent her waking hours glued to Dicka’s hip.

“You can let her have some floor time, honey,” I called from the kitchen while I made dinner one night. “It would be good for her.”

“No, that’s okay,” Dicka hollered back. “I don’t mind.”

 

At the end of the week, I met Mona again.

“We looked at the calendar you packed with Adele’s clothes.” I deposited the baby into her arms. “I hope that was okay.”

“Yeah.” She beamed, her eyes sparking with life.   

I remembered the other mothers we had served during our time as a host family. All of them had bigger dreams for their kids. All of them were brave. And all of them had the kind of love that could let a baby go to strangers for a while because of something better in the end.

But memories of Mona rose above the rest. Her words, bleeding out beauty on the page for her daughter to one day read, marked me and reminded me too that in her life—as in mine—love had come first.

It always comes first.   

 

*Miss an installment of the blog? Or want to catch the story from the beginning? Visit http://www.tamarajorell.com/blog-entries-by-date

*Names in this blog have been changed to protect my family, neighbors, and friends in the neighborhood, and in a nod of appreciation to the beloved Swedish author Maj Lindman, I’ve renamed my three blondies Flicka, Ricka, and Dicka.

Snow stories: Part 3

Boyfriend took on the new title of Husband in the summer of 1992, and we left Minnesota’s Twin Cities for starker pastures to complete our college degrees at the University of North Dakota in Grand Forks. Though my Scandinavian roots and upbringing in northern Minnesota—where -40 in the winter was often the actual temperature and not just the wind chill factor—declared I was cut out for tundra living, my blood hadn’t gotten the memo. But Husband was cut from hardy cloth; the unobstructed winds ripping across the open prairies only made him zip up his jacket all the way.

We forged—against those icy winds—through two college degrees and five winters. And we entered 1997—our last winter in North Dakota—while Husband worked, and I whittled away at grad school courses. The year blasted in, inspiring new respect for the elements and reminding us nature was very big, and humanity, very small. Words like snowbound, jumpstart, and Blockbuster speckled the pages of my diary. We were grateful our parking spot in married student housing had an outlet so we could plug in our Honda Accord at night, thanks to a man named Andrew Freeman from Grand Forks for inventing the head bolt heater sixty years earlier.

Because of a blizzard, classes at the University were canceled for a day in January 1997, ushering in the tumultuous year. We were battered by snowstorms in February and March too, and worries about the later impact on the Red River—the waterway flowing through town—swirled through the news and the conversations of the residents.

In early April, Husband and I trekked down to Minneapolis for a weekend. While we were away, another blizzard bludgeoned our town. Two inches of ice yanked down power lines and forced freeways to close. The storm robbed power from 100,000 people in the area, and the authorities said it would take from three days to two weeks to restore it.

We delayed our trip home by a few days. Finally, we braved the icy conditions. Back at our apartment, I unlocked the door, and we stepped inside.

My mouth sagged open. “What on earth?”

The window stood ajar a few inches, and frigid air billowed in.

“Uh oh.” Husband strode over and closed it. Then he walked through the snow which had accumulated on the living room floor and fetched the broom. “Must’ve forgotten to shut it when we had that cooking fiasco last week.”

“This is bad.” Seeing my breath, I headed over to the thermostat. “It’s forty-five degrees in here.”

Husband swept up the snow into the dustpan and tapped the pile into the kitchen sink. “It’ll warm up soon.”

We escaped the chill to go out for dinner with some friends, but when we returned home at 11:00 p.m., the sight in our apartment socked me in the gut. Pools of water flooded the living room, dining room, and kitchen.

“Oh no.” I tiptoed through a puddle to the phone. “We have to call someone.”

Within the hour, a repairman from UND’s Plant Services came over. The guy wore a pinched face, and when he stepped inside, his gaze followed the watery trail down the hallway to our bathroom. I braced myself for the profanity I imagined would follow.

“Broken water pipe from the cold.” He thumped down his tool box onto our kitchen counter and sloshed around to assess the damage.

I turned toward Husband and muttered, “Because of the window?”

Husband shrugged and shook his head. The repairman clumped around with sighs and grunts and finished his repair job at 2:00 a.m. After he left, Husband and I sopped up the rest of the mess.

 

In the following days, news reporters issued ominous warnings about the rising Red River, which drove thousands of people to construct sandbag dikes based on a 49-foot estimate of flooding by the National Weather Service. But on April 16, the river levels hit 48.5 feet. City officials now warned the residents of possible evacuation and the threat of the city being shut down for weeks.

On April 18, the river levels reached 51.6 feet. When would it stop? All schools and non-essential businesses closed their doors. Around noon, Husband drove to the other side of the river to our friends’ home in East Grand Forks, Minnesota, to help them sandbag like we had done along with so many others the previous day. I stayed back at our apartment this time, packing our bags for what was coming. I clicked on the TV for updates.

As I flew around gathering our things, my anxiety rose like the river’s waters. But Husband would get me soon, and we would sandbag at our friends’ house for as long as we could—even through the night, if needed—and then leave for my parents’ place in northern Minnesota. Just then, the TV blurted out the latest:

“The DeMers Avenue’s Sorlie Bridge has now closed.”

Pictures of the submerged bridge jolted me as sirens screamed throughout the city. How much time did we have? Husband had driven our only vehicle to our friends’ place, and the river raged between us. Would he be able to cross back over the Kennedy Bridge—the last and highest bridge between Grand Forks and East Grand Forks—to get me before it was too late?

The phone rang. Hopefully Husband. I grabbed the receiver, mashing it to my ear.

“Hey.” I zipped our suitcases shut.  

“Hello, Mrs.—uh…” The voice on the other end of the line fumbled through three permutations of my last name before abandoning the effort altogether. “How are you today?”

“Fine, but I can’t talk right now.” Didn’t the man hear the sirens in the background?

“I won’t keep you then, ma’am. I’ll just tell you a bit about our organization. Did you know that 300,000 people die each year from—”

I darted a look at the TV screen. “Have you heard of Grand Forks, North Dakota?”

He chuckled. “I’ve heard it gets pretty cold up there.”

“Well, turn on the news. We have a natural disaster going on here.”

“Oh, well, I—”

“’Bye.” I punched the off button.

As I finished gathering our possessions that would have to last us for who knew how long, I heard the apartment door open.

Husband.

I ran across the room and gave him a squeeze.

“Let’s go,” he said.

We raced out to the car with our luggage and jumped in. Husband mashed the accelerator and turned up the radio.

“The Kennedy Bridge will close any minute now,” the announcer said.

Husband gripped the wheel. “If we don’t get across that bridge, we'll have to drive three hundred miles out of the way to get to your parents’.”

We sped to the bridge where cars were lined up trying to get across. National Guard troops stood post waiting for orders to stop traffic and close the bridge. As we inched forward, a house floated through the surging waters, and other homes along the river were drowning, their rooftops the only sign of their existence. I held my breath. Would we make it?

 

Ours was one of the last twenty cars that crossed the Kennedy Bridge that day. Later that night, some of the river’s most crucial dikes broke, and at 1:30 a.m. on April 19, we were forced to abandon our sandbagging efforts when the City of East Grand Forks issued mandatory evacuation orders.

The Red River crested at 54.4 feet on April 21. The waters reached over three miles inland, and didn’t recede below flood stages until May 30. Our apartment—far enough from the river—wasn’t touched, but our friends’ basement filled with water up to three inches below their upstairs subfloor.

I had lived with Husband through historic blizzards and the most severe flood the Red River had seen since 1826. After spending our lifetimes in cold and often wet conditions, we wanted something warmer.

Moving to Arizona the next year couldn’t come soon enough.

 

*Miss an installment of the blog? Or want to catch the story from the beginning? Visit http://www.tamarajorell.com/blog-entries-by-date

*Names in this blog have been changed to protect my family, neighbors, and friends in the neighborhood, and in a nod of appreciation to the beloved Swedish author Maj Lindman, I’ve renamed my three blondies Flicka, Ricka, and Dicka.

Snow stories: Part 2

“Give them each two pieces, Buck.” I pointed at the trick-or-treaters.

Buck—with the candy bowl in his hands—lunged at the cluster of kids and then roared out something incoherent as he dropped the treats into their bags. To counteract Buck’s startling delivery, I brightened my smile at our mini-visitors. But they bolted anyway, and I grimaced. The man had probably turned off his hearing aids again—and upped his own volume to hear himself. I shook my head but gave him a pat on the back. “Okay, good job. Now let’s shut the door before the snow blows in.”  

Buck shoved the candy bowl at me, slammed the door, and galumphed back to his favorite spot in the living room; his orthopedic shoes thumped the floor with each step, rattling the picture frames on the wall. He dropped onto the couch with a grunt, fumbled a lighter out of his pocket, and lit up a bent cigarette.

I stared out the picture window at the snow. What were fluffy flakes an hour earlier now ripped through the air, pelting the faces of little monsters or aliens or princesses—stuffed into snow suits—who tripped up the step to the group home’s front door every few minutes for treats.

The meteorologist had warned us about this October 1991 Arctic assault. We would all be wise to go home and stay put, he had said. But I was working the overnight shift with the three guys at the Juno house group home. If it kept coming down like this, would I even make it back to my place in Dinkytown in the morning?

Sal shuffled over to my side. “My turn next.” He squinted at me through smeared lenses, pushing up his wire rims with his middle finger. “It’s my turn next, ‘member? You said my turn.”

“Yep, Sal. You’re next.” I passed him the bowl, and he pulled it into a death grip, scooping up a handful of Tootsie Rolls and zeroing in on the little Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and her mother coming up the sidewalk to the house. The kid got her sweets and headed back into the gusty night. Likely driven home by the howling winds and whirling snow, the bands of trick-or-treaters soon tapered off to nothing.

Dom had refused to be a part of the candy duties. Instead, he hung out in his bedroom, watching aerobics videos and noshing on corn chips. Later, after I had dispensed the meds and the three men were settled in their beds for the night, I retreated to the staff bedroom downstairs to do the chart notes. The storm’s roaring winds shook the house as I logged the events of the day.

The next morning, WCCO’s weather forecaster said over eight inches had already fallen on the Twin Cities, and more was coming. All the schools and colleges in town had closed. And Sal, Buck, and Dom were antsy; their day programs were canceled too.

When the next staff person arrived, her car—though brushed off on the sides—wore a mound of snow like a Russian fur hat, and she wedged her vehicle as close to the curb as the drifts allowed. Inside the doorway, she stomped the clumps off her boots, and I was officially off-duty. But my brother Fred had dropped me off the night before, and his car was now stuck in the driveway at the house we rented together in Dinkytown. How would I get home? Would Boyfriend attempt the roads from his place in Mounds View to come and get me? I dialed his number, but there was no answer at his apartment.

I bundled up, stepped into nature’s freshly shaken snow globe, and trudged through drifts for a couple of blocks to hop the bus at Hamline and Randolph. On the route, the bus driver narrowly missed cars deserted in the middle of streets, and after three transfers and almost two hours on the snow-clogged roadways, I exited the bus and tromped the remaining six blocks home.

My brother Fred met me at the door, his face rosy from the cold and his eyelashes still caked with snow. “T.J., you’re home.”

“And alive.” I stepped in the door and peeled the snow-encrusted stocking cap off my head. “How’s it going here?”

“Been out there shoveling for a couple of hours.” He ambled into the living room, and I followed him. He sat down, tugged off his wool socks, shook them out, and draped them over the back of a chair. “Oh, your man came over this morning. But he headed out about ten minutes ago to get you.” 

“No.” I frowned, irritation mounting like the piles outside. “He should have called me first. I just spent two hours on a bus.”

Fred clucked his tongue. “Oops.”

 

More than two hours later, Boyfriend showed up at our door.

With a scowl, I let him in. “Why didn’t you call to say you were picking me up from work?”

“I wanted to surprise you.” He pulled off his boots and shrugged out of his coat.

“Oh.” My prickles smoothed. I motioned him to follow me to the kitchen. “Was it a rough drive?” I poured up a fresh mug, splashed in some creamer, and handed it to him.

He took a swallow of coffee and shrugged. “Just got stuck three times. So not too bad.”

 

On that day—November 1, 1991—over eighteen inches of snow fell in Minneapolis and St. Paul, leaving the storm total at twenty-seven inches in two days. Fred spent a day and a half shoveling out his LTD, so he could go and visit his girlfriend. And someone rammed into Boyfriend’s Datsun B210 that was parked on the street in front of our place. It was a hit-and-run, smashing in the side of his car and breaking off the mirror. The driver’s side door never opened the same way again.

Boyfriend had braved the storm for me that time, plunging through treacherous conditions behind the wheel of his rusty steed—with its sketchy heating system and hole in the floor boards—to rescue me from work even though I had already left. And his heroics surfaced again five and a half years later during the barrage of blizzards in 1997 that catapulted our town of Grand Forks, North Dakota, into a natural disaster zone.

But that’s a story for next time.  

 

*Miss an installment of the blog? Or want to catch the story from the beginning? Visit http://www.tamarajorell.com/blog-entries-by-date

*Names in this blog have been changed to protect my family, neighbors, and friends in the neighborhood, and in a nod of appreciation to the beloved Swedish author Maj Lindman, I’ve renamed my three blondies Flicka, Ricka, and Dicka.

Snow stories: Part 1

“The news said we can expect up to ten inches.” I dunked a tea bag into a mug of steaming water. “But that was yesterday. Who knows now.”

Mom sipped from her cup. “I’ll check the road reports before I take off in the morning.”

Our home in north Minneapolis was Mom’s first stop on her post-holiday tour. She planned to visit my sister Coco’s family in Wisconsin the next day.

“If you’re snowed in here, that’s how it goes.” I sat down in a dining room chair, a smile creeping out to play. “Remember when we went to Moorhead for piano contests, and that blizzard hit later in the day when we were at West Acres Mall? What year was that again?”

“Boy, let’s see.” Mom bunched her lips to one side and furrowed her brow. “It was you, Olive, Flo, and me. Coco must have already graduated, because she wasn’t with us. Neither was Fred. He was home with Dad, but I don’t recall why.”

“Maybe you had already let him off the hook with piano lessons.” Then a thought sparked. “Hold on.”

I left the room and strode into the bedroom. Lowering to my hands and knees, I peeped under the bed. There it was. I slid out the dusty box—brimming with the past—and toted it back into the dining room, plunking it down on the table.

“Let’s see if I can find the year.” I lifted the lid. “And some more details.”

“Here we go.” Mom chuckled. “Your old diaries.”

 

The February wind sliced through our coats as we hustled into the mall. 1984 had rushed in with punishing sub-zero temperatures, and the packed snow squeaked like Styrofoam under our feet. My nervousness from the MMTA (Minnesota Music Teachers Association) district piano contests had eased off an hour earlier. In front of the judges, my memory had led my fingers through the motions, but my nerves quashed any passion I could have layered into the song. And so it came out bland but mostly accurate. Oh well. Done for another year. And now was the time for shopping. What more could a thirteen-year-old girl want?

My sisters—nine-year-old Olive and six-year-old Flo—and I milled around to my favorite stores: Lerner, Claire’s Boutique, Stevensons, Vanity, Contempo. As we walked, I tossed a furtive glance at Spencer’s Gifts; I could never go there because Mom thought the place was raunchy—especially the posters and other items in the back of the store. We passed by, and she zipped in to B. Dalton to browse through some books. Later, Flo tugged her sleeve as we neared the Orange Julius. Mom pulled out some cash, and while we slurped the creamy goodness through straws, we looked out the mall’s glass doors at the end of the corridor.

“It’s really coming down.” Mom shook her head, wide-eyed. “I should call Dad and see what he knows about the roads.”

She rummaged through her purse for change and then made a beeline for the pay phones. Olive, Flo, and I listened while she discussed the weather with Dad. Terms like black ice and whiteout peppered her end of the conversation. After some minutes, she hung up, and the pay phone gulped down her coins.

“Dad thinks it might clear up if we wait a little longer before heading home.” But Mom’s mouth was a straight line, her brow furrowed.

As we continued to roam from store to store, a voice boomed out an announcement over the mall’s loudspeakers:

“This is the West Acres Mall Management. We are closing the mall due to dangerous weather conditions. For safety reasons, everyone must remain inside. We will keep our restaurants open to serve you, and for those with diabetes or other medical conditions, Walgreens will help you with insulin or other medications. Thank you.”

We girls tittered with excitement. For a 1980s teenager like me, being locked into a shopping mall was like Brer Rabbit being thrown into a briar patch.

“I guess I won’t be driving home on glare ice after all.” Mom’s face softened. “I’ll call and tell Dad the news.”

In the evening, employees tugged their store grates shut, locking them for the night. But one store rigged up a TV and VCR and played Black Stallion for the captive masses.

Finally, it was time to sleep. We curled up on a small carpeted area on the floor in front of Foxmoor. Our stocking caps stuffed with scarves served as pillows, our coats as blankets.

The thrill of the adventure staved off the chill of the hard floor. But we awakened early the next morning anyway, along with the other confined shoppers who were rousing in storefronts near ours. The voice on the loudspeaker invited us to breakfast at a restaurant which fed us the only sustenance it had left: pancakes and water.

At last, the mall management unlocked the doors, and we were free to leave. The morning air stung our faces as we trudged through the drifted parking lot. Our car’s engine sputtered to life, and the stiff seats under us warmed. But the sight of vehicles stuck in the lot and strewn about in ditches and on roadways jarred us as we rolled out of town.

At home later that evening, we watched the news and learned that after that storm on February 4, 1984, authorities found Fargo’s 19th Avenue full of cars—most of them covered in drifts. Drifts as high as speed limit signs. And just outside West Acres Mall—where we had taken shelter—a number of people had lost their lives.

 

I closed my diary. The blizzard account from almost thirty-two years earlier was spare of details, but our memories had poured color back into the story, filling the gaps. Then I thought of my brother.

“We never figured out why Fred wasn’t with us.” I reached for my cell phone. “I’ll ask him.”

I keyed in a message, and he texted back:

I had the flu. But remember the Halloween blizzard of ’91? That was crazy…

And like wicked winds swirling the snow, my memories blew me back to 1991 and to that old house on 8th Street in Dinkytown I had rented with Fred while we were both students at the U of M.

I smiled and thumbed a message back: How could I forget?

 

*Miss an installment of the blog? Or want to catch the story from the beginning? Visit http://www.tamarajorell.com/blog-entries-by-date

*Names in this blog have been changed to protect my family, neighbors, and friends in the neighborhood, and in a nod of appreciation to the beloved Swedish author Maj Lindman, I’ve renamed my three blondies Flicka, Ricka, and Dicka.