Kindness

We arrived at La Gare Montparnasse, one of Paris’ six largest train stations, after a three-hour train ride from La Rochelle. Dr. Janis, our chaperone, disembarked with us nine college students. We had spent the previous six weeks that summer of 1994 in a study abroad program, and now our adventure was almost over. One night in Paris, and we would all go our separate ways.

Right there on the platform, Janis—as we called him—caught our attention one last time with a flamboyant wave of his arms. He lowered onto all fours and kissed the quai, pronouncing himself libre of his responsibilities. Then he stood up, brushed himself off, and walked away, leaving us with our overwhelming piles of luggage.

To save our dwindling francs, we chose to take the metro instead of a taxi to the youth hostel. But we were unwise in our planning; each of us had three monstrous suitcases to manage, made heavier and more unwieldy by the added weight of purchases we had made during our stay.

We scraped together our ingenuity, inventing ways to make it through the turnstiles before they closed on us, and we devised techniques to get on and off the train in the twenty seconds the doors stood open at each stop. But despite our best plans, all but one of us made it onto the train at the first station. We darted frantic looks at each other and at our lagging friend who struggled to load her carrying cart onto the train. As she strained, red-faced, the warning buzzer sounded. Five seconds left. Two of us lunged for the door, hoping to help her board. But would we make it?

Just then, a man inside the train reached out and lifted her cart inside for her, and she scrambled on after it. The doors closed. I steadied my breathing, contemplating the close call.  

When it was time for us to get off, the doors opened, and the countdown began. Twenty seconds to unload our burdens from the train. But someone removed our suitcases for us and set them on the platform. How could they have carried off those behemoth nightmares so quickly? I scanned the area, but couldn’t find the helper—or helpers—who had saved my friends and me.

After three trains, two transfers, many sets of stairs, and almost two hours of travel on the metro with our ridiculous baggage, we arrived at 151, avenue Ledru-Rollin, our clothes drenched with sweat and our hands swollen.

That evening at the Bastille Hostel, I reclined in my bottom bunk and remembered the kindness of the strangers on the train who had helped us that day. It was probably nothing for them, but their assistance had made life easier for nine traveling students.

 

Early August’s driving rain assaulted the pavement in the church parking lot. So many cars this Sunday morning in 2004, and I hadn’t arrived early enough for a front row spot. I pulled the car into an open space and turned off the ignition. For fifteen seconds, I considered my exit strategy. Husband was working, so I’d do this thing alone. After forming a plan and summoning the courage, I jumped out, looped the strap of the diaper bag over my shoulder, and poked my head inside the back seat.

“See how hard it’s raining, girls?” I glanced at Flicka and Ricka—my four and two year olds—in their car seats as I detached three-month-old Dicka’s infant seat from its base. Rain pelted my lower back as I worked. “Now listen. We’re going to get inside the church fast. You two hold onto me as we walk, okay?”

My oldest ones released themselves from their seats and scrambled out of the car. Flicka grabbed onto the hem of my shirt, but Ricka scuttled off toward the nearest mini pond. A vehicle rolled by a few feet from her. My heart lurched.

“Ricka, come back.” I hooked the infant seat on my arm. “I don’t want you getting hit by a car.”

My two year old looked at me. “Okay, Mama.” Then she examined the puddle again and tapped her toe into it.

Lightning split the sky, and thunder cracked. I locked the car with my gaze glued on Ricka. She scampered back to me and clutched onto the edge of my shirt. We began our trek across the parking lot, pointed for the door. But on the way, the torrent soaked us, and the baby sputtered; the canopy of the infant seat kept out the rain as well as an open window. I shook the wet hair from my face. Hair styling and makeup application was all vanity anyway, I told myself.

“Can you have thunder without lightning?” Flicka skipped at my side, tugging down my shirt with each hop.

“Hm. I don’t know.” I side-stepped a pool of water. “Maybe not?”

Ricka, distracted by another puddle, dropped her grip on me, and I tossed a prayer into the soggy, grey sky. Please let us all just get inside. We hobbled at a snail’s pace. Only twenty yards to go…

A man exited the church doors, popped open an umbrella, and bounded toward us.

“Looks like you could use a little help.” He held the umbrella above my head as he walked with us.

I laughed, imagining black lines of mascara streaking my cheeks. “You have no idea.”

During the service, I recalled the kindness of the man with the umbrella. It was likely nothing for him, but his gesture improved the day for one mom and her three kids.

 

One day in 2014, Husband drove down Fremont Avenue on our way to the store. He squinted at the car ahead of us. Then he flicked on the headlights, flashing them back and forth. Brights, dims. Brights, dims.

I furrowed my brow. “What?”

“They left their cell phone on their bumper.”

Before reaching the stoplight at Dowling Avenue North, the driver pulled over to the side of the road. Husband drove up behind her, put the car in park, and hopped out. He plucked the cell phone from the bumper of the vehicle and headed with it to the driver’s side. The woman rolled down her window and spoke with him. Husband handed her the phone, strode back to our car, and slid into the driver’s seat.

“How did it go?” I said.

He shrugged. “She was happy.”

Later that day, I thought of Husband’s kindness toward a stranger. It was nothing for him, but maybe his help made life less stressful for the woman who got her phone back.

 

A hand to lift a heavy suitcase off the metro, an umbrella over the head of a struggling mom, willingness to stop long enough to return a cell phone. The world brims with people’s small deeds of kindness. They don’t make the news, and they aren’t dazzling enough to be captured for YouTube. But for the giver and receiver, those little actions tear apart boredom, shake up apathy, and dent a person’s jaded outlook.

Big opportunities to save someone may never come. But every day the small needs of others speckle our paths and invite us to act.

 

 

*Miss an installment of the blog? Or want to catch the story from the beginning? Visit http://www.tamarajorell.com/blog-entries-by-date

*Names in this blog have been changed to protect my family, neighbors, and friends in the neighborhood, and in a nod of appreciation to the beloved Swedish author Maj Lindman, I’ve renamed my three blondies Flicka, Ricka, and Dicka.

Patience

“Why didn’t you buy four bags instead of three?” My girl skewered me with a look in the checkout bagging area at IKEA. Her tone had an edge that cut me right in the feelings.

I had spent the previous three days painting a sophisticated grey—the hot color choice of teens and tweens everywhere—over my girls’ pink, yellow, and turquoise bedroom walls. And that morning, I had doled out a chunk of money to each of my offspring, explaining they could spend the allotment for their bedrooms however they liked at IKEA. Before the shopping trip—while everyone was in good spirits—I had announced the ground rules, promising to dock any gripers $5 per complaint. So help me if they’re not grateful after all I’ve done, I had thought while counting out the cash into their hands.

But it had been one of those weeks, and now this with something as silly as an IKEA bag.

I leveled my gaze at my girl, my voice as smooth as the Svenbertil chair I had seen on display. “I made a mistake. I bought three bags for our stuff—and not four. We’ll figure it out.”

But she craved the final say, and disrespectfulness waltzed in with her words. I bit my tongue and shoved our cart of purchased goods into a corner near the elevator to the parking ramp. I crammed every last item—bedding, pillows, lamps, and curtains—into a couple of the blue bags to make the point that two bags could hold everything. In fact, three was superfluous, I hoped to demonstrate with my vigorous stuffing.

“Why are you in such a hurry, Mom?” my lovely asked.

I drove the cartload into the open elevator—wishing Husband had been with me—vowing I’d leave with or without my people. But somehow the three girls picked up the pace and scooted into the Honda before I peeled out of the parking lot. I tromped on the gas and clamped my mouth shut. Silence blared from the back seat, and maybe eyes widened too, but I didn’t care enough to look back.

I turned my thoughts to the past months. Besides the recent room painting, I had poured much of my energy into the girls and their pursuits, driving them—and their friends—anywhere at any time for sports commitments and friend engagements. Their requests echoed through my thoughts: So-and-so only has a bus pass, so could we drive her home since it’s -12 degrees? When you take me to so-and-so’s, could we pick up Friend A and Friend B first since they live near us? And can they get a ride home too? I’ll text you when we’re ready, since I don’t know a time right now. Oh, and can I get $15 for food after school and money for the game?

I had gotten a breezy thank-you here or there—from my own darlings and their friends—tossed to me like pieces of junk mail. Reality hit me in the gut: I was a free ride and a wallet, and nothing more.

In the previous weeks, I had told myself lies about my girls’ friends: Maybe their parents don’t have cars—or driver’s licenses—and they work 24-7 to put food on the table. Or maybe these kids don’t have parents at all and live a kind of Pippi Longstocking lifestyle, fending for themselves and their pet monkeys.

But my thoughts on the drive home from IKEA distracted me, and by accident, I took the Terminal 1 exit to the airport instead of the 55/Hiawatha exit to Minneapolis. Really? I looped around, inching along behind people loading and unloading their luggage at baggage claim—drumming my fingers on the steering wheel—before I finally got back onto the freeway home.

Later, I texted my friend: Wanna run away with me? No one will know I’m gone. Wait. Maybe they’ll notice after all. They won’t have their taxi service.

She texted back: I’ve wanted to run away for years. Or go on strike. I’ve read about those moms who stop doing EVERYTHING and stand outside with their signs. I’ve considered it.

Later in the day, I drove two of my girls to their sports practices.

“So-and-so needs a ride home,” one of them said to me. “Is that okay?”

I exhaled. “Sure. It’s on our way.”

After practice, my kid and her friend jumped into the car.

“Could she have a sleepover at our place tonight?” my girl asked me, her face eager.

“No.” Then I yanked my politeness back out of the glove compartment and smiled into the back seat at her friend. “It’s always fun to have you over, but we have a family day tomorrow. Another time?”

I deposited the girl at her house, and then turned to my kid. “Honey, don’t ask me things like that in front of your friends. It makes me look bad when I say no.”

“Sorry, Mom.” She looked down at her hands, and my close companion, Guilt, elbowed me.

On the drive, I contemplated life and my job as a chauffeur. I could say no, I told myself. I could lay down an “Absolutely not!” to driving everyone anywhere at any time. But then at 9:30 p.m., another one of my girls texted from her friend’s house: Could we give Friend C a ride home? If not, that’s okay. She can take the bus.

Sure, I texted back.

But before I could get her, I had to retrieve the other girl from practice and see that her two friends got home safely. Tired from the IKEA day and the endless driving, I pulled up to my last stop. My daughter scurried out to the car, along with Friend C who wore pajama pants. And she had thought she could take the bus? It was too cold at -5 degrees to be in thin flannel; I drove her home and rubbed my temples as I watched her unlock her door. She waved to us before entering her house.

At last, we made the day’s final trip home. Once inside, the girls disappeared to their bedrooms. I fixed a cup of tea and made a beeline for the bathroom. While I filled the bathtub, I selected the Mr. Mister station on Pandora—my go-to for self-soothing—and cranked up the volume. At last, I stepped into the tub and sank into the steaming water.

Toto crooned, Not quite a year since she went away, Rosanna. Now she’s gone and I have to say…

She’s gone! Toto had said so. How depressing. Big drops of self-pity plopped into my bathwater.

Meet you all the way, meet you all the way, Rosanna…

So even the Toto guy covered the driving, it sounded like. I bawled some more and reached for my mug of tea. I reclined and listened to Journey’s “Only the Young” and Starship’s “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now.” And then I stopped my blubbering.

Exhausted from days of painting and home improvements? First world problems. Feeling put upon for driving everyone to kingdom come—and back—by my own choice? Child’s play. Feeling unappreciated for being the mom? An issue as old as time.

Then I thought of many in the neighborhood around me—mourning, struggling, freezing, hungry, lonely. All of them had worse things to deal with than fresh paint, new bedding from IKEA, and having three healthy girls to drive around the city. And I also thought of the characters from my favorite book who had been flogged, stoned, tortured, imprisoned, and mistreated. All of them had shown patience in suffering.

Patience.

My reactions to the day had been less than commendable; my attitude, stinky. And the fruit of my patience sat rotten in its bowl.

I sighed and pulled myself out of the bathtub. Tomorrow would be a new day.

 


*Miss an installment of the blog? Or want to catch the story from the beginning? Visit http://www.tamarajorell.com/blog-entries-by-date

*Names in this blog have been changed to protect my family, neighbors, and friends in the neighborhood, and in a nod of appreciation to the beloved Swedish author Maj Lindman, I’ve renamed my three blondies Flicka, Ricka, and Dicka.

Peace

Latika, our one-year-old houseguest, bounced in the Johnny Jump Up mounted in the kitchen doorway. Smiling, she banged a plastic measuring cup on the tray in front of her while I stood at the kitchen counter arranging the frozen potato rounds on the meat mixture in the baking dish. My girls had reminded me I hadn’t made the Minnesota staple in months, and would I do it tonight? I smiled at the normalcy of Tater Tot Hotdish, the exuberant baby bobbing near me, and the family being home together for the evening. The humble, simple, peaceful life.  

POP! POP! POP! POP! POP!

The blasts outside jarred me and brought to mind Fireworks or Gunshots?, a game we Northsiders too often played. But this time was easy; the higher-pitched crack of each report told me the answer. I flew to the kitchen window. Our dog, Lala, stood erect outside at the back gate, and her strident barks and raised hair told me she had chosen the same answer I had.

Just then, a young man dashed from the rental property across the alley. He darted looks in both directions, his right hand under his t-shirt—the fabric revealing the outline of a gun. He jogged down the alley to the north and disappeared.

I deserted my lookout, dodged Latika in her swing, and rushed into the living room where Husband was parked in a chair. I jabbed my thumb toward the kitchen.

“Those were gunshots. And I just saw the shooter.” I rattled off the details.

“Okay.” Husband stood up, strode from the room, and exited the house.

Within seconds, sirens wailed. I lifted the baby from her seat and looked out the window again. A squad car zoomed through the alley, and a second one stopped by our garage. Two officers emerged, and they spoke with Husband for a few minutes. Then he poked his head into the house. “I told the police what you saw. They want to talk to you.”

I handed the baby to Flicka and stepped outside. An ambulance arrived, its lights flashing. A police officer stretched yellow tape across the alley.

Another officer ambled toward me. “So, you saw the guy?”

“I heard five shots, and then I looked out the window and saw him run out of there.” I pointed at the rental property. “He went north.”

“What did he look like?”

I described the perpetrator, recounting how the man’s hand was hidden under his shirt.

He nodded. “What color shirt?”

I tilted my head and frowned. “I don’t remember. I was watching his hand—and where he ran. I could tell he had a gun.”

“But you don’t remember the color of his shirt?”

Was it dark—maybe grey or blue? If it had been red or yellow, I might have remembered. I shook my head. “I’m sorry. I don’t.”

The officer thanked me and walked away.

Then Husband nodded toward the commotion in the alley. “The guy who got shot is on the ground in the back yard over there.”  

I searched his face. “Do you think he’s dead?”

“Who knows? I couldn’t see much. People were already crowding around him.”

I stared at the emergency workers, law enforcement, and curious passersby. A week earlier, we had grilled burgers, and my main concern was whether or not I had remembered to buy another bottle of ketchup. Today I wondered about the state of the victim, lying on a lawn close to our house.

After a few hours, the crowd dissipated, the yellow tape vanished, and normal life resumed. The news later provided some spare details about the young man who had been sniped down in the yard near ours, and we learned the ending of his story: he had died in the ambulance on the way to North Memorial.

Shaken by our close proximity to the homicide, I mulled over the day’s happenings that evening. But shootings in our part of the city were as common as Tater Tot Hotdish at a Midwestern potluck. And those behind the frequent violence—like the shooter I saw flee that day—lived for self-preservation, greed, or revenge. But what was the answer? Too many throughout our city, country, and world cried out for peace at such a time as this, but if they did anything about it, they chose good behavior’s temporary fix, their efforts shiny but brittle. And their plastic peace showed up in tattoos, bumper stickers, and necklaces, masking their own dark thoughts.

Where was the lasting, unbreakable Peace that transcended all understanding—and guarded the hearts and minds of humanity? He had stood among the onlookers in the yard across the alley, longing to be invited in.

 

*Miss an installment of the blog? Or want to catch the story from the beginning? Visit http://www.tamarajorell.com/blog-entries-by-date

*Names in this blog have been changed to protect my family, neighbors, and friends in the neighborhood, and in a nod of appreciation to the beloved Swedish author Maj Lindman, I’ve renamed my three blondies Flicka, Ricka, and Dicka.

Joy

The twenty-six-year-old woman sat in a chair at the Thanksgiving table. The wavelike motion in her belly reminded her today was her due date. But babies—not doctors—chose their own arrival times; her three-year-old daughter had been born two weeks late, after all.

Like the brimming dishes of food in front of her on that day—November 28, 1968—she saw all the good things that overflowed in her life. She turned to her little girl sitting next to her and cut the child’s food into small pieces. Then she glanced at her husband across the table and smiled. Soon, they would be a family of four.

But two days later, something changed; the fluttery movements within her, which for months had accompanied her daily life, stopped. Concerned, she told her husband. He drove her to the emergency room the next day, and a doctor listened to her stomach with his stethoscope. Finally, he furrowed his brow, and fixed his gaze on her face.

“I can’t find a heartbeat.”

Her husband frowned, and she shifted in her seat. Could this be? Could it mean what she most feared?

She cleared her throat, her eyes wide. “What will we do if the baby is—?”

“We won’t do anything.” The doctor pursed his lips. “Labor will start at some point, but it’s hard to know when.”

The woman bit her lower lip and nodded. If only today she could’ve seen her own doctor. Someone she knew—and someone who knew her. “Thank you.”

The couple stood. She clutched her husband’s arm as they left the emergency room.

On the drive home, she sank into her thoughts. Memories of her recent miscarriage pricked her. And now this. What if all was not well? If the unthinkable were true, how long would she carry a dead baby? For a moment, icy fingers of dread curled around her spine. But she couldn’t think that way; doctors had been wrong before.

Late that night, the young woman’s water broke. Labor pains rolled through her body, and grateful their three-year-old was already in her grandmother’s care, she woke her husband. The two climbed into the car for the second trip to the hospital that day.

A few miles down the road, a new idea prodded her. She studied her husband, his mouth a straight line as he gripped the steering wheel, navigating the snow-covered gravel road. She swallowed hard. “If we have a girl—and she’s not living—I think we should name her Joy.”

He looked at her, and the corners of his mouth curved up for a second. “Yes. That’s good.” Then he stared at the road again, and silence seeped into the car.

The young mother labored through the night. In the early morning of December 2, 1968, at Northwestern Hospital in Thief River Falls, Minnesota, Joy came into this world. But the delivery room was still. And no infant cries shredded the air.

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

 

Every now and then throughout the years, we spoke of the baby who was gone before she came. And when I was an adult with children of my own, we still spoke of her.

“But if Joy had lived, we wouldn’t have had you.” Mom smiled at me.

“I know, Mom.” I thought of my place in the family order—the one following the time of sadness. I imagined losing one of my own. The thought knifed my heart.

“Then you came—and your three siblings after you. Life has been good.” She nodded. “Always so good.”

 

As a child, I envisioned the older sister I had never met. And I thought of her namesake—that emotion everyone sought. But how could my parents have named their dead baby Joy? Didn’t joy mean happiness?

Consider it joy when you encounter various trials…

My childhood path led to adulthood, the terrain becoming more treacherous in spots. And along the way I learned joy wasn’t a synonym for happiness—the fair-weather emotion, dependent on favorable circumstances. Happiness could only travel the smooth, exhilarating way—and only when the temperature was seventy degrees and sunny; during the jagged and stormy parts, the fickle feeling bolted.

On the drive to the hospital that night in 1968—although my mother hadn’t known why—she had been compelled to choose a new name for the baby who was already gone. But because of the Creator of Joy in her life, the baby’s name characterized the uncertain and rugged path ahead.

Like Mom, I pressed into Him too in my own rocky places. And I gained the lesson she had learned: with The Joy-giver at my side, the condition of the road didn’t matter anymore.

You have made known to me the path of life; You will fill me with joy in Your presence, with eternal pleasures at Your right hand.

 

*Miss an installment of the blog? Or want to catch the story from the beginning? Visit http://www.tamarajorell.com/blog-entries-by-date

*Names in this blog have been changed to protect my family, neighbors, and friends in the neighborhood, and in a nod of appreciation to the beloved Swedish author Maj Lindman, I’ve renamed my three blondies Flicka, Ricka, and Dicka.

Love

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things, there is no law.

 

I pulled the Honda up to the curb in front of Healing House. For the protection of the women who were enrolled and living there with their children, the address of the place was unpublished. I glanced at the placement information I had received in the Urgent Needs email. Mona, the woman I had come to meet—the biological mother—had gotten in a fight with another woman and was being kicked out of Healing House’s eighteen-month program. And now she needed coverage for her baby girl for one week while she found other living arrangements for the two of them.

I climbed out of the vehicle, glancing at the infant car seat in the back, knowing it would soon carry an eight-month-old passenger. And then I strode to the front entrance and pressed the buzzer.

A young woman came to the door. “Are you the host mom from Safe Families for Children?”

“Yes, I am. Are you Mona?”

She nodded, a shy smile playing on her lips, and motioned for me to follow her. “I already have her things packed for you. I hope it’s enough.”

On the floor next to the front desk sat several brimming garbage bags and numerous pieces of baby equipment. Our family had served kids who owned very little, and the five-month-old twins had come to our home with only the clothes on their bodies, a few diapers, and enough formula to get us through the first night. The sight of the large amount of baggage in front of me pricked my heart. “It’s more than enough.”

“Wanna see Adele now?” Mona’s eyes shone.

We walked down a long hallway to a sunny nursery. A childcare worker bounced a baby on her hip and handed a toy to a toddler who tugged on her shirt. When we stepped inside the room, the woman brought the baby to us.

“She’s darling.” I reached out for Adele and took her into my arms. She smiled at me, and so did Mona.

I gave her back to her mother for our walk out to my car. Mona buckled her baby into the car seat, kissing her first on the forehead and then once on each cheek. Then she closed the door and turned to me.

“Thank you.” Her words, warm with untold stories, lit her face.

I touched her sleeve. “I’m happy to help, Mona.”

 

Later that day, after dinner and playtime with Adele, it was time to say goodnight. I whisked her away from my girls, and they followed me into the guest room. They poked through the clothing bags, oohing and aahing over the tiny dresses.

I made funny faces at the baby while I changed her diaper. “Can one of you find something for her to wear to bed?”

Flicka handed me a pair of pajamas, and Ricka chose Adele’s outfit for the next day.

Then Dicka pulled something square and flat from one of the bags. “Mom, look. This was in there with the clothes.”

A Baby’s First Year calendar. I remembered recording the tender details of my babies’ first years in calendars like this one. And like Mona, I had captured all the firsts too—the first tooth, the first time sleeping through the night, the first step.

Dicka settled onto the guest bed and flipped through the calendar’s pages. After I had zipped Adele into the fuzzy pajamas, I sat down too, snuggling the baby on my lap. I gazed at the document in Dicka’s hands as if it were a priceless artifact. Because it was.

Mona had chronicled Adele’s birth and filled in the family tree. Then in more blanks designated for the baby, she had instead written about Adele’s father, telling the story of how they had first met when he moved onto her block—just a few houses down from hers—one summer. As the warm winds swept in that July, so had their love, and the two were inseparable. He was her Once-in-a-Lifetime, a good man, and she was proud of him—and Adele would be too one day. Though her words were cheery, pain lived in the spaces between Mona’s sentences.

I drew in a deep breath and exhaled. “We should put this away.”

Dicka nodded. Then she closed the calendar and tucked it back in with the clothing.

 

The days with Adele fluttered by, and she spent her waking hours glued to Dicka’s hip.

“You can let her have some floor time, honey,” I called from the kitchen while I made dinner one night. “It would be good for her.”

“No, that’s okay,” Dicka hollered back. “I don’t mind.”

 

At the end of the week, I met Mona again.

“We looked at the calendar you packed with Adele’s clothes.” I deposited the baby into her arms. “I hope that was okay.”

“Yeah.” She beamed, her eyes sparking with life.   

I remembered the other mothers we had served during our time as a host family. All of them had bigger dreams for their kids. All of them were brave. And all of them had the kind of love that could let a baby go to strangers for a while because of something better in the end.

But memories of Mona rose above the rest. Her words, bleeding out beauty on the page for her daughter to one day read, marked me and reminded me too that in her life—as in mine—love had come first.

It always comes first.   

 

*Miss an installment of the blog? Or want to catch the story from the beginning? Visit http://www.tamarajorell.com/blog-entries-by-date

*Names in this blog have been changed to protect my family, neighbors, and friends in the neighborhood, and in a nod of appreciation to the beloved Swedish author Maj Lindman, I’ve renamed my three blondies Flicka, Ricka, and Dicka.

Snow stories: Part 3

Boyfriend took on the new title of Husband in the summer of 1992, and we left Minnesota’s Twin Cities for starker pastures to complete our college degrees at the University of North Dakota in Grand Forks. Though my Scandinavian roots and upbringing in northern Minnesota—where -40 in the winter was often the actual temperature and not just the wind chill factor—declared I was cut out for tundra living, my blood hadn’t gotten the memo. But Husband was cut from hardy cloth; the unobstructed winds ripping across the open prairies only made him zip up his jacket all the way.

We forged—against those icy winds—through two college degrees and five winters. And we entered 1997—our last winter in North Dakota—while Husband worked, and I whittled away at grad school courses. The year blasted in, inspiring new respect for the elements and reminding us nature was very big, and humanity, very small. Words like snowbound, jumpstart, and Blockbuster speckled the pages of my diary. We were grateful our parking spot in married student housing had an outlet so we could plug in our Honda Accord at night, thanks to a man named Andrew Freeman from Grand Forks for inventing the head bolt heater sixty years earlier.

Because of a blizzard, classes at the University were canceled for a day in January 1997, ushering in the tumultuous year. We were battered by snowstorms in February and March too, and worries about the later impact on the Red River—the waterway flowing through town—swirled through the news and the conversations of the residents.

In early April, Husband and I trekked down to Minneapolis for a weekend. While we were away, another blizzard bludgeoned our town. Two inches of ice yanked down power lines and forced freeways to close. The storm robbed power from 100,000 people in the area, and the authorities said it would take from three days to two weeks to restore it.

We delayed our trip home by a few days. Finally, we braved the icy conditions. Back at our apartment, I unlocked the door, and we stepped inside.

My mouth sagged open. “What on earth?”

The window stood ajar a few inches, and frigid air billowed in.

“Uh oh.” Husband strode over and closed it. Then he walked through the snow which had accumulated on the living room floor and fetched the broom. “Must’ve forgotten to shut it when we had that cooking fiasco last week.”

“This is bad.” Seeing my breath, I headed over to the thermostat. “It’s forty-five degrees in here.”

Husband swept up the snow into the dustpan and tapped the pile into the kitchen sink. “It’ll warm up soon.”

We escaped the chill to go out for dinner with some friends, but when we returned home at 11:00 p.m., the sight in our apartment socked me in the gut. Pools of water flooded the living room, dining room, and kitchen.

“Oh no.” I tiptoed through a puddle to the phone. “We have to call someone.”

Within the hour, a repairman from UND’s Plant Services came over. The guy wore a pinched face, and when he stepped inside, his gaze followed the watery trail down the hallway to our bathroom. I braced myself for the profanity I imagined would follow.

“Broken water pipe from the cold.” He thumped down his tool box onto our kitchen counter and sloshed around to assess the damage.

I turned toward Husband and muttered, “Because of the window?”

Husband shrugged and shook his head. The repairman clumped around with sighs and grunts and finished his repair job at 2:00 a.m. After he left, Husband and I sopped up the rest of the mess.

 

In the following days, news reporters issued ominous warnings about the rising Red River, which drove thousands of people to construct sandbag dikes based on a 49-foot estimate of flooding by the National Weather Service. But on April 16, the river levels hit 48.5 feet. City officials now warned the residents of possible evacuation and the threat of the city being shut down for weeks.

On April 18, the river levels reached 51.6 feet. When would it stop? All schools and non-essential businesses closed their doors. Around noon, Husband drove to the other side of the river to our friends’ home in East Grand Forks, Minnesota, to help them sandbag like we had done along with so many others the previous day. I stayed back at our apartment this time, packing our bags for what was coming. I clicked on the TV for updates.

As I flew around gathering our things, my anxiety rose like the river’s waters. But Husband would get me soon, and we would sandbag at our friends’ house for as long as we could—even through the night, if needed—and then leave for my parents’ place in northern Minnesota. Just then, the TV blurted out the latest:

“The DeMers Avenue’s Sorlie Bridge has now closed.”

Pictures of the submerged bridge jolted me as sirens screamed throughout the city. How much time did we have? Husband had driven our only vehicle to our friends’ place, and the river raged between us. Would he be able to cross back over the Kennedy Bridge—the last and highest bridge between Grand Forks and East Grand Forks—to get me before it was too late?

The phone rang. Hopefully Husband. I grabbed the receiver, mashing it to my ear.

“Hey.” I zipped our suitcases shut.  

“Hello, Mrs.—uh…” The voice on the other end of the line fumbled through three permutations of my last name before abandoning the effort altogether. “How are you today?”

“Fine, but I can’t talk right now.” Didn’t the man hear the sirens in the background?

“I won’t keep you then, ma’am. I’ll just tell you a bit about our organization. Did you know that 300,000 people die each year from—”

I darted a look at the TV screen. “Have you heard of Grand Forks, North Dakota?”

He chuckled. “I’ve heard it gets pretty cold up there.”

“Well, turn on the news. We have a natural disaster going on here.”

“Oh, well, I—”

“’Bye.” I punched the off button.

As I finished gathering our possessions that would have to last us for who knew how long, I heard the apartment door open.

Husband.

I ran across the room and gave him a squeeze.

“Let’s go,” he said.

We raced out to the car with our luggage and jumped in. Husband mashed the accelerator and turned up the radio.

“The Kennedy Bridge will close any minute now,” the announcer said.

Husband gripped the wheel. “If we don’t get across that bridge, we'll have to drive three hundred miles out of the way to get to your parents’.”

We sped to the bridge where cars were lined up trying to get across. National Guard troops stood post waiting for orders to stop traffic and close the bridge. As we inched forward, a house floated through the surging waters, and other homes along the river were drowning, their rooftops the only sign of their existence. I held my breath. Would we make it?

 

Ours was one of the last twenty cars that crossed the Kennedy Bridge that day. Later that night, some of the river’s most crucial dikes broke, and at 1:30 a.m. on April 19, we were forced to abandon our sandbagging efforts when the City of East Grand Forks issued mandatory evacuation orders.

The Red River crested at 54.4 feet on April 21. The waters reached over three miles inland, and didn’t recede below flood stages until May 30. Our apartment—far enough from the river—wasn’t touched, but our friends’ basement filled with water up to three inches below their upstairs subfloor.

I had lived with Husband through historic blizzards and the most severe flood the Red River had seen since 1826. After spending our lifetimes in cold and often wet conditions, we wanted something warmer.

Moving to Arizona the next year couldn’t come soon enough.

 

*Miss an installment of the blog? Or want to catch the story from the beginning? Visit http://www.tamarajorell.com/blog-entries-by-date

*Names in this blog have been changed to protect my family, neighbors, and friends in the neighborhood, and in a nod of appreciation to the beloved Swedish author Maj Lindman, I’ve renamed my three blondies Flicka, Ricka, and Dicka.

Snow stories: Part 2

“Give them each two pieces, Buck.” I pointed at the trick-or-treaters.

Buck—with the candy bowl in his hands—lunged at the cluster of kids and then roared out something incoherent as he dropped the treats into their bags. To counteract Buck’s startling delivery, I brightened my smile at our mini-visitors. But they bolted anyway, and I grimaced. The man had probably turned off his hearing aids again—and upped his own volume to hear himself. I shook my head but gave him a pat on the back. “Okay, good job. Now let’s shut the door before the snow blows in.”  

Buck shoved the candy bowl at me, slammed the door, and galumphed back to his favorite spot in the living room; his orthopedic shoes thumped the floor with each step, rattling the picture frames on the wall. He dropped onto the couch with a grunt, fumbled a lighter out of his pocket, and lit up a bent cigarette.

I stared out the picture window at the snow. What were fluffy flakes an hour earlier now ripped through the air, pelting the faces of little monsters or aliens or princesses—stuffed into snow suits—who tripped up the step to the group home’s front door every few minutes for treats.

The meteorologist had warned us about this October 1991 Arctic assault. We would all be wise to go home and stay put, he had said. But I was working the overnight shift with the three guys at the Juno house group home. If it kept coming down like this, would I even make it back to my place in Dinkytown in the morning?

Sal shuffled over to my side. “My turn next.” He squinted at me through smeared lenses, pushing up his wire rims with his middle finger. “It’s my turn next, ‘member? You said my turn.”

“Yep, Sal. You’re next.” I passed him the bowl, and he pulled it into a death grip, scooping up a handful of Tootsie Rolls and zeroing in on the little Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and her mother coming up the sidewalk to the house. The kid got her sweets and headed back into the gusty night. Likely driven home by the howling winds and whirling snow, the bands of trick-or-treaters soon tapered off to nothing.

Dom had refused to be a part of the candy duties. Instead, he hung out in his bedroom, watching aerobics videos and noshing on corn chips. Later, after I had dispensed the meds and the three men were settled in their beds for the night, I retreated to the staff bedroom downstairs to do the chart notes. The storm’s roaring winds shook the house as I logged the events of the day.

The next morning, WCCO’s weather forecaster said over eight inches had already fallen on the Twin Cities, and more was coming. All the schools and colleges in town had closed. And Sal, Buck, and Dom were antsy; their day programs were canceled too.

When the next staff person arrived, her car—though brushed off on the sides—wore a mound of snow like a Russian fur hat, and she wedged her vehicle as close to the curb as the drifts allowed. Inside the doorway, she stomped the clumps off her boots, and I was officially off-duty. But my brother Fred had dropped me off the night before, and his car was now stuck in the driveway at the house we rented together in Dinkytown. How would I get home? Would Boyfriend attempt the roads from his place in Mounds View to come and get me? I dialed his number, but there was no answer at his apartment.

I bundled up, stepped into nature’s freshly shaken snow globe, and trudged through drifts for a couple of blocks to hop the bus at Hamline and Randolph. On the route, the bus driver narrowly missed cars deserted in the middle of streets, and after three transfers and almost two hours on the snow-clogged roadways, I exited the bus and tromped the remaining six blocks home.

My brother Fred met me at the door, his face rosy from the cold and his eyelashes still caked with snow. “T.J., you’re home.”

“And alive.” I stepped in the door and peeled the snow-encrusted stocking cap off my head. “How’s it going here?”

“Been out there shoveling for a couple of hours.” He ambled into the living room, and I followed him. He sat down, tugged off his wool socks, shook them out, and draped them over the back of a chair. “Oh, your man came over this morning. But he headed out about ten minutes ago to get you.” 

“No.” I frowned, irritation mounting like the piles outside. “He should have called me first. I just spent two hours on a bus.”

Fred clucked his tongue. “Oops.”

 

More than two hours later, Boyfriend showed up at our door.

With a scowl, I let him in. “Why didn’t you call to say you were picking me up from work?”

“I wanted to surprise you.” He pulled off his boots and shrugged out of his coat.

“Oh.” My prickles smoothed. I motioned him to follow me to the kitchen. “Was it a rough drive?” I poured up a fresh mug, splashed in some creamer, and handed it to him.

He took a swallow of coffee and shrugged. “Just got stuck three times. So not too bad.”

 

On that day—November 1, 1991—over eighteen inches of snow fell in Minneapolis and St. Paul, leaving the storm total at twenty-seven inches in two days. Fred spent a day and a half shoveling out his LTD, so he could go and visit his girlfriend. And someone rammed into Boyfriend’s Datsun B210 that was parked on the street in front of our place. It was a hit-and-run, smashing in the side of his car and breaking off the mirror. The driver’s side door never opened the same way again.

Boyfriend had braved the storm for me that time, plunging through treacherous conditions behind the wheel of his rusty steed—with its sketchy heating system and hole in the floor boards—to rescue me from work even though I had already left. And his heroics surfaced again five and a half years later during the barrage of blizzards in 1997 that catapulted our town of Grand Forks, North Dakota, into a natural disaster zone.

But that’s a story for next time.  

 

*Miss an installment of the blog? Or want to catch the story from the beginning? Visit http://www.tamarajorell.com/blog-entries-by-date

*Names in this blog have been changed to protect my family, neighbors, and friends in the neighborhood, and in a nod of appreciation to the beloved Swedish author Maj Lindman, I’ve renamed my three blondies Flicka, Ricka, and Dicka.

Snow stories: Part 1

“The news said we can expect up to ten inches.” I dunked a tea bag into a mug of steaming water. “But that was yesterday. Who knows now.”

Mom sipped from her cup. “I’ll check the road reports before I take off in the morning.”

Our home in north Minneapolis was Mom’s first stop on her post-holiday tour. She planned to visit my sister Coco’s family in Wisconsin the next day.

“If you’re snowed in here, that’s how it goes.” I sat down in a dining room chair, a smile creeping out to play. “Remember when we went to Moorhead for piano contests, and that blizzard hit later in the day when we were at West Acres Mall? What year was that again?”

“Boy, let’s see.” Mom bunched her lips to one side and furrowed her brow. “It was you, Olive, Flo, and me. Coco must have already graduated, because she wasn’t with us. Neither was Fred. He was home with Dad, but I don’t recall why.”

“Maybe you had already let him off the hook with piano lessons.” Then a thought sparked. “Hold on.”

I left the room and strode into the bedroom. Lowering to my hands and knees, I peeped under the bed. There it was. I slid out the dusty box—brimming with the past—and toted it back into the dining room, plunking it down on the table.

“Let’s see if I can find the year.” I lifted the lid. “And some more details.”

“Here we go.” Mom chuckled. “Your old diaries.”

 

The February wind sliced through our coats as we hustled into the mall. 1984 had rushed in with punishing sub-zero temperatures, and the packed snow squeaked like Styrofoam under our feet. My nervousness from the MMTA (Minnesota Music Teachers Association) district piano contests had eased off an hour earlier. In front of the judges, my memory had led my fingers through the motions, but my nerves quashed any passion I could have layered into the song. And so it came out bland but mostly accurate. Oh well. Done for another year. And now was the time for shopping. What more could a thirteen-year-old girl want?

My sisters—nine-year-old Olive and six-year-old Flo—and I milled around to my favorite stores: Lerner, Claire’s Boutique, Stevensons, Vanity, Contempo. As we walked, I tossed a furtive glance at Spencer’s Gifts; I could never go there because Mom thought the place was raunchy—especially the posters and other items in the back of the store. We passed by, and she zipped in to B. Dalton to browse through some books. Later, Flo tugged her sleeve as we neared the Orange Julius. Mom pulled out some cash, and while we slurped the creamy goodness through straws, we looked out the mall’s glass doors at the end of the corridor.

“It’s really coming down.” Mom shook her head, wide-eyed. “I should call Dad and see what he knows about the roads.”

She rummaged through her purse for change and then made a beeline for the pay phones. Olive, Flo, and I listened while she discussed the weather with Dad. Terms like black ice and whiteout peppered her end of the conversation. After some minutes, she hung up, and the pay phone gulped down her coins.

“Dad thinks it might clear up if we wait a little longer before heading home.” But Mom’s mouth was a straight line, her brow furrowed.

As we continued to roam from store to store, a voice boomed out an announcement over the mall’s loudspeakers:

“This is the West Acres Mall Management. We are closing the mall due to dangerous weather conditions. For safety reasons, everyone must remain inside. We will keep our restaurants open to serve you, and for those with diabetes or other medical conditions, Walgreens will help you with insulin or other medications. Thank you.”

We girls tittered with excitement. For a 1980s teenager like me, being locked into a shopping mall was like Brer Rabbit being thrown into a briar patch.

“I guess I won’t be driving home on glare ice after all.” Mom’s face softened. “I’ll call and tell Dad the news.”

In the evening, employees tugged their store grates shut, locking them for the night. But one store rigged up a TV and VCR and played Black Stallion for the captive masses.

Finally, it was time to sleep. We curled up on a small carpeted area on the floor in front of Foxmoor. Our stocking caps stuffed with scarves served as pillows, our coats as blankets.

The thrill of the adventure staved off the chill of the hard floor. But we awakened early the next morning anyway, along with the other confined shoppers who were rousing in storefronts near ours. The voice on the loudspeaker invited us to breakfast at a restaurant which fed us the only sustenance it had left: pancakes and water.

At last, the mall management unlocked the doors, and we were free to leave. The morning air stung our faces as we trudged through the drifted parking lot. Our car’s engine sputtered to life, and the stiff seats under us warmed. But the sight of vehicles stuck in the lot and strewn about in ditches and on roadways jarred us as we rolled out of town.

At home later that evening, we watched the news and learned that after that storm on February 4, 1984, authorities found Fargo’s 19th Avenue full of cars—most of them covered in drifts. Drifts as high as speed limit signs. And just outside West Acres Mall—where we had taken shelter—a number of people had lost their lives.

 

I closed my diary. The blizzard account from almost thirty-two years earlier was spare of details, but our memories had poured color back into the story, filling the gaps. Then I thought of my brother.

“We never figured out why Fred wasn’t with us.” I reached for my cell phone. “I’ll ask him.”

I keyed in a message, and he texted back:

I had the flu. But remember the Halloween blizzard of ’91? That was crazy…

And like wicked winds swirling the snow, my memories blew me back to 1991 and to that old house on 8th Street in Dinkytown I had rented with Fred while we were both students at the U of M.

I smiled and thumbed a message back: How could I forget?

 

*Miss an installment of the blog? Or want to catch the story from the beginning? Visit http://www.tamarajorell.com/blog-entries-by-date

*Names in this blog have been changed to protect my family, neighbors, and friends in the neighborhood, and in a nod of appreciation to the beloved Swedish author Maj Lindman, I’ve renamed my three blondies Flicka, Ricka, and Dicka.

The 12 days of Christmas

Sing along! (And enjoy the pictures afterward.)

On the 12 days of Christmas, we saw the following things:

1.      A Honda battery that went dead

2.      Two styles of boots (the weather can’t make up its mind)

3.      Three sick girls (the stomach flu…)

4.      Four grocery stores (in search of fig preserves)

5.      Five neighbor kids (playing basketball until the snow started)

6.      Six burned-out light strands

7.      Seven years of ballet (“The Nutcracker” at the State Theatre)

8.      Eight rolls of gift wrap

9.      Nine kinds of goodies

10.   Ten types of cheeses

11.   Eleven tasty lefses

12.   Twelve Lala kisses

Merry Christmas!             


*Miss an installment of the blog? Or want to catch the story from the beginning? Visit http://www.tamarajorell.com/blog-entries-by-date

*Names in this blog have been changed to protect my family, neighbors, and friends in the neighborhood, and in a nod of appreciation to the beloved Swedish author Maj Lindman, I’ve renamed my three blondies Flicka, Ricka, and Dicka.

The waiting season

We checked in at 9:45 for Husband’s 10:00 appointment. I sank down in the vinyl seat next to him in the waiting room and reminded myself he was in the best hands in the Twin Cities. Not only was the doctor an oncologist, but he also specialized in shoulders and arms. Then into my brain zinged the receptionist’s favorite word from a week earlier: URGENT. At least today we would hear something. At least today we would learn if it was cancer or not—and maybe even form a plan of action.

10:00 came and went. Then 10:20. At 10:30, I wondered if I had time to visit the ladies’ room. By 10:40, I believed Husband was the ugly Christmas sweater, grabbing attention once a year, but out of mind the rest of the time. Finally, at 10:50, a nurse called his name, and we followed her down a long hallway.

“Sorry about the wait.” She spritzed the apology into the air like a room freshener; the scent was sweet, but I knew it was meant to disguise a stink.

Husband shot me a side-glance and whispered, “Are you okay?”

I shrugged. The extended waiting room time—an unnecessary poke at the bruise—had stunned me. But fear rose up again and beat down the awakening anger.

In the exam room, the nurse indicated seats for us, and then she approached the computer. I scrutinized her face as she clicked away at the keyboard. Did she already know the truth? But her demeanor revealed nothing, and soon she left the room.

Ten minutes later, the doctor breezed in, introduced himself, and sat down. “So what brings you in today?”

What? He didn’t know? He hadn’t received all the messages from the orthopedic surgeon? He hadn’t reviewed the bone scan yet? Husband filled him in on the details, and then the doctor swiveled his chair toward the computer and peered at the screen. “I see you had an MRI on October 22.”

And today was December 10. Inside, I seethed. Had Husband been forgotten? Had each medical professional along the way dropped the ball?

The doctor perused Husband’s file, studying the x-ray, the MRI, the bone scan. He explained the risks of a biopsy and why he wouldn’t recommend one, and then he turned to us. “It would be low-grade if it’s cancer.” There was that word again, dangling in front of us like a moldy carrot. “I’ll consult with the radiologist and get back to you.”

“How long will that take?” I inserted the question, hoping it would remind him we were humans who had feelings and wanted answers.

“We’ll call you with the results in a couple of days.”

I suppressed a dubious look. “By the way, your receptionist told us it was urgent we see you. In fact, she said it three times in one phone call.”

He smiled and shook his head. “Your doctor had noted it was urgent for you to get my opinion. It didn’t mean urgency of the condition.”

Which you don’t even know yet, I wanted to add, but instead I nodded. “Okay.”

When the appointment was over, I exited the exam room, my shoulders drooping. Husband—his expression neutral—strode next to me.

In the lobby, he hit the elevator’s button down to the parking ramp. “I didn’t really expect answers. Did you?”

My chuckle had sharp edges. “Let’s just go out for lunch.”

 

Three days later, I attended the Christmas party for my writers group. I socialized, helped myself to some holiday treats, and then slipped into a seat at a table. Across the room, I spotted Pearl, a fellow writer who described herself as “no spring chicken.” She shared my admiration for Stephen King’s book on writing, and her common sense sliced through life’s murkiness. Aided by a cane, Pearl worked her way across the room and settled into the empty chair next to mine. She asked me about my life, and I told her about Husband’s recent medical adventures.

She waved away the nonsense. “I stopped going to the doctor a year ago, and I’ve been healthy ever since.”

“So that’s the answer.” I laughed but then let my smile go. “It’s been a long wait. A really long wait.”

“Ah.” Pearl held a finger in the air. “The Advent season is all about waiting.”

 

Six days had passed since Husband’s appointment, but only silence marked the time. I dialed the familiar number. With flagging hopes, I left a message. Hours later, the phone rang; the long-awaited call had finally come.

“First, I should apologize.” The oncologist cleared his throat on the other end of the line. “We got your husband’s results days ago. I thought the nurse had already called you.”

I pulled the phone closer. “This is the first I’m hearing of it.”

“The radiologist looked at the bone scan and the rest of the tests, and we both agree. We don’t think it’s cancer, and we don’t believe it’s something aggressive. We’d like to do another MRI in three or four months, but there’s no cause for worry.”

Since October 22, I had lived in expectation—an active but motionless posture alternating between numbness and vitality. And now the answer had finally arrived; the phone call signaled the end of the wait. But I thought of others, still dragging along in their own seasons of waiting—anticipating the outcome of a job interview, the homecoming of a loved one, the next paycheck, a friend’s phone call, or for their dreams to materialize and their futures to bloom.

Then Pearl’s words rushed back to me, and I remembered an ancient people waiting thousands of years for the One—the same One who sat with me in the waiting space those many weeks. And He was already here with all the answers I would ever need.

Immanuel, God with us.  

 

*Miss an installment of the blog? Or want to catch the story from the beginning? Visit http://www.tamarajorell.com/blog-entries-by-date

*Names in this blog have been changed to protect my family, neighbors, and friends in the neighborhood, and in a nod of appreciation to the beloved Swedish author Maj Lindman, I’ve renamed my three blondies Flicka, Ricka, and Dicka.

The box

Still no answers.

Three weeks had dragged by since Husband’s bone scan. We kept waiting for the oncologist to call with the results, but he didn’t, and so we left messages. Unreturned messages. Even the orthopedic surgeon who had referred us to him scratched his head at the stunning silence.

“Maybe no news is good news,” I told a friend.

“Not necessarily,” she said, her words laced with good intentions.

While we waited, Husband didn’t amend his life in any way. He slept, ate, worked, showered, and drove the girls to volleyball practice as if the answers to his health mystery weren’t in the hands of a stranger in a white coat somewhere across town. I passed the days in the usual acts of living too, but worry was my bosom buddy, prodding me awake in the night and leering at me first thing in the morning.

“I can’t believe the guy is ignoring our calls and blowing off the orthopedic doctor too.” I poured myself a cup of coffee like my life depended on it, splashing in ample cream to take the edge off the bitterness.

Husband shrugged. “I guess I have to make an appointment with him if I’m going to hear anything.”

But he didn’t move.

A few more days evaporated, and I again broached the topic with Husband over the phone while he was on a work trip.

“Can I please make the appointment for you?”

“Sure.” 

I dialed the number of the oncologist’s office. When the receptionist answered, I gave her Husband’s name—explaining who I was—and requested an appointment.

“He needs to come in as soon as possible,” she said. “It’s urgent.”

Was his chart already in front of her? My stomach did a flip. “It is? But we’ve been waiting for weeks to hear back from your office.”

“The doctor can see him Monday at noon.”

Five days away. My mouth dry and my heart pounding, I scrolled through my phone’s calendar. “No, he works that day. But he’s free anytime tomorrow or the next day.”

“Hm. Sorry. We’re booked then.” The receptionist clicked away on her keyboard. “So could he take off work Monday? Like I said, it’s urgent.”

Was it that bad? Fear shoved me down into a living room chair. “Are you sure you don’t have time to squeeze us in tomorrow?”

“Would you hold, please?” And with that, she mashed a button and forced me into another wait. The canned music on the other end of the line plucked at my last nerve.

After two minutes, she came back on. “No, nothing tomorrow. But I just spoke with the nurses, and it’s urgent that he come in as soon as possible.”

Three ‘urgents’ in one phone call, and yet they couldn’t find fifteen minutes to drop the bomb on us. “He can’t take work off that easily.”

“Why don’t I reserve the appointment anyway, and you can talk to him about it?”

“Fine.” I steadied my breathing.

Our dog Lala—a furry donut on a cushion—lifted her head and eyed me. Had she heard my heart thumping from across the room?

“I have you all set for Monday.” The receptionist’s breezy tone carried a smile.

I hung up and called Husband to relay the news.

“I’m not missing work on Monday.” Then his irritation morphed into a sigh. “Give me their number, and I’ll call and change the appointment to Thursday when I have the day off.”

More waiting ahead. I rattled off the number, a tremor in my voice.

“The receptionist was probably just being dramatic to get attention.” He tossed out a light laugh. “I’m fine.”

“Hm.” I gazed out the window at the grey day. Neither sunny nor stormy, the weather was stuck in limbo too.

“It’ll be okay.”

I gnawed my lower lip. “Yeah.”

After I clicked off the phone, my heart’s drumming persuaded my stomach to dance, so I paced the room to the wild rhythms pulsating in my body. Back and forth. Back and forth. Urgent. Urgent. Urgent.

My phone pinged. A text message from Elizabeth, a new friend.

You came to mind, so I stopped and prayed for you and your family just now. Can you talk for a few minutes?

I had met Elizabeth three months earlier at church. She wore the fragrance of authenticity and spiritual fruit, and from the start I had liked her. But I had come to her mind just then? Was it bad timing—or perfect timing?

I thumbed a message back. Sure, but I’m emotional today. Don’t be scared off! Ha! I’ll call you. I dialed her number.

“You remember I’m a therapist, right?” Elizabeth’s voice on the other end of the line massaged away my stress.

I burst into tears, and she listened as I recounted recent events—Husband’s medical appointments, the MRI, the bone scan, the waiting, the word ‘urgent’ now pinned to it all—and then she offered me a gift.

“In your mind, picture a box. And it has a cover, a lock, and a key that only you and God can access. Can you imagine it?”

I closed my eyes. Into my thoughts flashed a rectangular, steel box with visible bolts. Its cover was formidable: heavy and sharp enough to slice off a kid’s fingers. Like the box, the lock and key were no-frills and meant for getting the job done. “Okay. I’ve got it.”

“Now whenever you have a worry or negative thought, look at it. Recognize that it’s separate from you. Then capture it, lock it in the box, and don’t let it out.”

Was it that easy? As simple as throwing dirty laundry into the hamper? “Are you able to do this?”

“Yeah, I’ve practiced a lot over the years.” Elizabeth chuckled. “And with practice, you can do it too.”

My heart rate slowed. Warmth poured over my shoulders. “I’ll try it.”

After the phone call ended, I didn’t have long to wait to use the box. Worry slithered in again and clung on, squeezing the breath out of me. I looked at its ugliness—seeing it as an enemy instead of a companion—and in spite of its sucking pull, I peeled it off and poked it into the box.

And then it happened. He slammed the lid shut and turned the key.  

 

 

*Note: Today at 10:00 a.m., I’ll join Husband at his appointment. I’ll tell you the results when I know them. Thank you for your concern, thoughts, and prayers over the past month.

*Miss an installment of the blog? Or want to catch the story from the beginning? Visit http://www.tamarajorell.com/blog-entries-by-date

*Names in this blog have been changed to protect my family, neighbors, and friends in the neighborhood, and in a nod of appreciation to the beloved Swedish author Maj Lindman, I’ve renamed my three blondies Flicka, Ricka, and Dicka.

Mr. Little Guy

The other day, I shoveled snow. The slushy kind that if not tended to pronto could freeze in an instant and capture footprints to last the winter. While I worked, my mind flitted through adult duties—Christmas details and shopping lists. But then as unexpected as thoughts of watermelon in January, a magical, summer memory floated in. And I recalled an elusive elf who had once captivated us all.

We first learned of Mr. Little Guy from a local news segment. The man who spoke about him had a pixelated face for anonymity, and he explained the elf resided on Lake Harriet in a hole in the base of an ash tree behind a miniature wood door with a brass lion’s head knocker. Although no one had ever seen Mr. Little Guy, his writing proved his existence; since 1995, between Memorial and Labor Days, he typed messages back to his fans. And he wrote two thousand letters each year, his little house serving as a post office for incoming and outgoing correspondence.

“Can we write to him too?” Ricka tore her gaze from the TV screen to look at me.

I nodded. “Of course.”

The girls scrambled off for stationery and pens.

Later, as I read Dicka’s note, she assessed my reaction, a mischievous sparkle in her eyes.

Hey, Little Guy! How small are you really? What do you eat? Do you have a wife and children? What do you do for fun? Do you even wear any clothes? I bet all my questions are going to make your little head explode! Ha ha! Love, Dicka

I jutted out my lower lip. “Poor Mr. Little Guy. Picture his tiny head.” I flicked my fingers. “Poof.”

Giggling, Dicka scurried with her sisters off to bed. But sleep for the girls crept in as easily as it did the night before Christmas.

The next day, Husband muscled our bikes onto the car’s bike rack, and we zoomed off to Lake Harriet. After we unloaded, we pedaled half-way around the lake, and Flicka was the first to spy Mr. Little Guy’s home beyond the foot path. A small garden circled the tree, assuring us we had come to the right place. The girls jumped from their bikes and made a beeline for the tiny door.

Other children had nestled gifts in the tree’s hollow—a shell, flowers, a stone, a quarter, a McDonald’s Happy Meal toy—and lots of letters. The girls’ eyes gleamed as they stuffed their own letters inside. Then I eyed a Ziploc bag, bulging with responses from Mr. Little Guy.

“Do you think he’ll write back to us by tomorrow?” Eagerness dripped from Ricka’s voice.

I assessed the stack of letters from other fans. “I don’t think so. Let’s try back in a week or two. I think he needs time.”

The girls blew off their disappointment, and we climbed back on our bikes to finish the jaunt around the lake.

For two weeks, I warded off the barrage of requests to pay another visit to Mr. Little Guy’s place. Finally, Husband loaded up our bikes and we took off. We zipped half-way around Lake Harriet again, and when the beloved little home came into view, the girls abandoned their bikes. Ricka even flung open the door to the elf’s home without knocking first. Flicka snatched out the Ziploc bag. I opened it and removed the stack of notes—all on silver papers the size of business cards.

“Let’s see if Mr. Little Guy wrote to you.” I handed part of the pile to Husband, doled out some to Flicka, and then began thumbing through the rest. Ricka and Dicka hopped around nearby, needling us for answers. We finished our search.

“Ah, girls.” Husband clicked his tongue. “Looks like he didn’t have time to write back yet. We’ll have to check in next week.”

I returned the notes to the Ziploc bag, tucked it inside the hollow of the tree for the next searchers, and then picked through the other contents. “The notes you wrote him are gone, so that’s a good sign. At least he got them.”

Grumbling, the girls mounted their bikes, and we made the long haul back to the car.

 

Another week passed. Husband humped the bikes back onto the rack, and we sped off for answers. We pedaled our way around Lake Harriet to The Spot and did a repeat of the previous visit, whipping through the Ziploc’s treasures in hopes of retrieving our own.  

And there they were on tiny silver papers in all their shimmering glory: three answers to three letters from three weeks earlier. Each girl grabbed her own letter.

“He eats minnow pizza!” A smile split Dicka’s face.

Ricka nodded, her eyes shining. “He’s taller than his younger brother, but shorter than his older one.”

“His name is Thom, and his wife’s name is Martha.” Flicka breezed through the information. “And his daughter’s name is Alta Lucia. She’s a princess elf.” Then she shot out a laugh that would’ve startled Mr. Little Guy if he had been home.

I reached for their notes when they were done, hoping to learn something of the elf life too. Mr. Little Guy told of playing elfball and catching rides across the water on the backs of ducks. But he explained that being an elf wasn’t all hijinks and samba dancing. He and the other elves were pretty ordinary—and a lot like us Big People. He wrote: I put on my jodhpurs both legs at the same time just like you. And I fry up my minnows in olive oil like you too.

But what caught me was the final sentence of each note:

I believe in you.

Dicka pushed up the kickstand on her bike and threw one leg over the bar. Then she cupped a hand to her mouth and hollered. “I believe in you too, Mr. Little Guy!”

 

*Miss an installment of the blog? Or want to catch the story from the beginning? Visit http://www.tamarajorell.com/blog-entries-by-date

*Names in this blog have been changed to protect my family, neighbors, and friends in the neighborhood, and in a nod of appreciation to the beloved Swedish author Maj Lindman, I’ve renamed my three blondies Flicka, Ricka, and Dicka.

Grateful

By 9:30 on that weekday morning, rush hour had ended, and the traffic flowed along on I-94E. I signaled and switched lanes to take the I-394W exit. But cars had come to a stop at the top of the ramp, and so I sat in my Honda at the end of a long string of vehicles. Was there road construction up ahead? Hopefully not an accident. I fiddled with the radio and then glanced in the rearview mirror. A car was blasting up behind me—full speed—its driver clearly not aware of the stopped traffic. A second passed. The car wasn’t slowing. In another second, it would rear-end me. I darted a look to each side. Nowhere for me to go—and no time—to avoid a crash. I gripped the steering wheel, bracing for impact.

Just then, brakes squealed. The driver veered his car off the road and careened onto the right shoulder, narrowly missing my vehicle. My heart hammered. Shaking and weak, I poured out thanks to the One who had protected me. As my breathing came out ragged, gratefulness came easy.

 

The next day, I drove through north Minneapolis—along Plymouth Avenue—where protesters had set up camp after the previous week’s officer-involved shooting. In the middle of the street in front of the 4th Precinct, people clustered around campfires. They had formed road blocks out of their possessions and clothes, old boxes and crates, anger and pain.

A few days later, we learned white supremacists in masks had crashed their gathering, shooting and wounding five of the protesters before speeding away. The details of the story put a stranglehold on the local news. While I surveyed the mess on the screen and in real time, my head swirled with emotions. But nothing like gratitude crossed my mind.

 

Later that week, Husband stopped by the doctor’s office to ask about the results of his bone scan.

“We still haven’t heard back from the oncologist,” the receptionist said. “Actually, we think he might be out of the country.”

Husband returned home to relay the news—or lack thereof. Out of the country? Frustration bubbled up inside me. We had already waited more than a week, and now we would wait longer. In the moment, gratefulness eluded me.

Give thanks in all circumstances.

Stewing, I escaped to my quiet place, determined to practice gratitude, no matter what. At first, the words tasted like wood, but I considered the circumstances of my week anyway. And soon peace tiptoed in to join me.

I hadn’t needed to call a tow truck and auto repair business, but had instead experienced a split-second deliverance on the freeway; I knew He spared me. And I was thankful.

I hadn’t witnessed resolution for the neighborhood’s problems, but owned a home in the broken part of town; I would have a front row seat to its healing when it came. And I was appreciative.

I hadn’t learned the results of Husband’s medical test, but loved ones had sent texts and Facebook messages to bolster me; they would care in the future too. And I was grateful.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 

*Miss an installment of the blog? Or want to catch the story from the beginning? Visit http://www.tamarajorell.com/blog-entries-by-date

*Names in this blog have been changed to protect my family, neighbors, and friends in the neighborhood, and in a nod of appreciation to the beloved Swedish author Maj Lindman, I’ve renamed my three blondies Flicka, Ricka, and Dicka.

The waiting room

Husband worked his arm in circles, wincing. “I probably have shoulder cancer.”

“Whatever.” I shook my head. “Stop joking and just get it checked out.”

After seven months of pain, he finally made a doctor’s appointment, which led to an MRI. We awaited the results, convincing ourselves of his diagnosis: a torn rotator cuff. But we were wrong.

“I have a bone lesion.” Husband dropped the words like a pair of dirty socks. “The doctor wants to do a bone scan tomorrow.”

I furrowed my brow. Bone lesion. I had heard the term before somewhere, and it carried darkness and questions. After Husband fell asleep that night, I gave in to a temptation I rarely indulged anymore: I searched the medical term online.

My computer screen lit up with link after link—none of them innocent. I held my breath and clicked on the first one. Cancer. I chose a different link. Cancer. I selected a third link. Cancer. My heart racing, I texted two friends. I confessed my online, late-night activities.

One of them, blunt and loving, came down on me. “Quit reading. Pray.”

“You’re right,” I texted back. But after I turned off my computer, my eyes stayed open in the dark for longer than usual.

On Thursday, Husband went in for his bone scan.

“We should hear the results by tomorrow,” he said when he returned home.

 

Friday arrived, delivering terrible news—but not about Husband.

“Have you heard what’s going on in France?” I asked him the second he stepped in the door. “Paris is under attack.”

He raised his eyebrows. “Wow.”

I poured out the bloody details of terrorists blasting their hatred on unsuspecting patrons in bars, restaurants, a sports stadium, and a concert hall.

The story garnered international attention and gave legs to the suspicions of some in our nation. Suicide bombers, masked gunmen, hostages, rumors of repeat terror coming to our own country. And we headed into life’s waiting room. What would come next?

 

The weekend arrived, delivering awful news—but not about Husband. A man in our neighborhood had assaulted a woman, and when he interfered with the paramedics who tended to her, the police had fatally shot him. By Monday evening, hundreds of protesters gathered in response to the shooting and walked out onto I-94, stopping traffic for almost three hours.

The story captured national attention and churned up the muck beneath the neighborhood’s waters. Arrests, threats, clashes with police, rumors of riots about to explode all over our part of the city. And we waited in life’s waiting room. What would happen now?

 

On Tuesday evening, the doctor called Husband.

“Several of us have looked at your results. We don’t think it’s cancer, but to be certain, we’ve sent the scan to an oncologist.”

Husband was unfazed, but my thoughts jarred me. I remembered my first mammogram that had necessitated an ultrasound. It happened again the next year—and the two years after that—prompting the doctor to at last perform a biopsy. But test results and doctors’ answers had never brought lasting peace. And I wondered what would happen to Husband.

I hunkered down in life’s waiting room. But instead of warm assurance, I heard my heartbeat and the ticking of the clock. I sat for three hours, feeling alone and forgotten. Could bloodthirsty terrorists dictate how our world would go? Could a rioting mob decide the fate of our neighborhood? Could a doctor tell us about Husband’s life—or my own?

The silence hurt my ears, and the question marks pricked me. Then I caught a glimpse of Him in the nagging uncertainties and unanswered mysteries.

He had been next to me in the waiting room all along.

 

*Miss an installment of the blog? Or want to catch the story from the beginning? Visit http://www.tamarajorell.com/blog-entries-by-date

*Names in this blog have been changed to protect my family, neighbors, and friends in the neighborhood, and in a nod of appreciation to the beloved Swedish author Maj Lindman, I’ve renamed my three blondies Flicka, Ricka, and Dicka.

The alley kids

I looked out the kitchen window one day at the biggest attraction on our property: the basketball hoop. A bunch of kids—our neighbor T.J.’s three from across the alley and a few more—shot baskets. I headed outside to greet them. These were younger ones—a new batch of players. I missed the older ones who had grown up on our driveway and had ripped my heart out by vanishing from our lives—along with their basketballs—when they were about seventeen.

These new ones watched me approach the gate, and their faces split into smiles. I remembered the day three years earlier when T.J. had dropped them off—along with their pit bull Daisy—in our back yard and disappeared. Their faces had been wrapped in smiles that day too.

I stepped outside the chain link fence and clasped the gate shut. “Tell me your names again.”  

The smallest girl scuttled over to me. “I’m Laya.”

“I remember you. How old are you now?”

“Five.” Laya’s shirt—a couple of sizes too small—crept up above her plump belly, and she patted her bare skin and grinned.

As I listened to the other kids’ names, Laya stroked my hand.

“So you’re all related?”

A chunky older boy nodded. “Some of us are cousins.” He pointed at the duplex across the alley. “We all live over there.”

Ah, the mystery of the rental property across the alley. Husband had heard T.J.’s mother owned the building now and had loaded the place with family members. But although we had tried, we could never track how many adults lived there or figure out which kids belonged to whom.

“Well, I’m glad you’re here.” I turned to go back into the house, but Laya patted my hand, drawing me back.

I assessed the kids with their eager faces. All of them looked overfed. But they were starving.

 

The next time the kids came over to play, they left behind fuzzy pink slippers, a Barbie doll, several empty Funyuns bags, and candy wrappers. Husband called them back.

“You guys have to pick up your garbage, okay?” He indicated the receptacle by the garage. “All your trash goes in there.”

He oversaw the clean-up, and each time the kids dropped a piece of trash into the container, they peered at his face, their eyes shining.

A week later, the kids were back. But this time when they left, landscaping blocks—once stacked in a corner—were scattered. And some of the old, red bricks—from another pile—were broken, and chunks and shards littered the driveway.

Husband walked over to the duplex. Seven kids frolicked in the front yard, and he told them what he had found in the driveway. Then he had a talk with the adults.

“We enjoy having the kids come over to play, but they need to leave the blocks alone. There’s a mess out there now, and some bricks are broken.”

“How much do we owe you for the broken ones?” one of the women said.

“Nothing. The kids just need to help pick up and not mess around with them anymore.”

With a holler, one of the parents booted the kids back to our place, and Husband and Dicka helped them pick up and restack the blocks.  

I emerged from the house and surveyed the progress. “Nice work.”

The older kids’ eyes sparkled as if they were gathering gifts instead of bricks. And Laya scurried over to touch my hand.

 

I sat in church the next Sunday. The sermon was solid, inspiring. But my thoughts wandered off and meandered back to the neighborhood—and back to the kids from across the alley. And there was that familiar pang in my chest again. Was there something I could do?

Read to them.

Read to them? I imagined halting the basketball games, parking a lawn chair on the driveway, settling into it, and whipping out a book. No doubt the kids would huddle around me. But the trees were already naked, and winter whispered to me from around the corner. How long could my stories last before the biting winds drove the kids home for the dark months?

Invite them in.

Inside the house? But there were so many of them. Sometimes even eight, ranging from ages five to twelve. And they would tromp inside with great clods of snow on their boots and potato chip bags and no sense of time or boundaries. And if their parents allowed the reading sessions, they might view us as free childcare for whenever. I imagined the peace in my home taking wing and fluttering away.

It’s not your house.

I shifted in the pew and sighed. Those kids and their unfettered exuberance. A smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. I flicked my gaze at Husband. He looked back at me and furrowed his brow. I’ll tell you later, my eyes said.

I knew exactly which children’s book I'd choose first.

 

*Miss an installment of the blog? Or want to catch the story from the beginning? Visit http://www.tamarajorell.com/blog-entries-by-date

*Names in this blog have been changed to protect my family, neighbors, and friends in the neighborhood, and in a nod of appreciation to the beloved Swedish author Maj Lindman, I’ve renamed my three blondies Flicka, Ricka, and Dicka.